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Why is my son so touchy?

Physical touch might be your son's primary way of expressing affection. It could also be that he craves closeness to you at times where he feels anxious, insecure, or some other way that would have him seeking comfort.

slate.com - Kid wants too many hugs: parenting advice from Care and Feeding.

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Does it seem odd to you that my otherwise typically developing 5-year-old climbs up on my lap and demands hugs from me constantly throughout the day? For example, I’ll be sitting at the table eating or working on my computer and he’ll wiggle himself in to cuddle, or we’ll be walking the dog around the block and he’ll yell “hug” at least five times and start hugging me while we’re walking. My husband (his dad) says I should say “no more hugs,” or use them like rewards, but don’t think it’s right to withhold hugs or love, so I don’t. I will give him the hugs he asks for, but it’s excessive and gets annoying. Ten hugs at bedtime and tears if I’m in the other room and he doesn’t get a hug quick enough doesn’t seem normal. I tell him I love him, that I’m not going anywhere, and that this is too many hugs, but it doesn’t seem to help. I really don’t know what to do. Please help.

— Hug Monster’s Mom

Dear Hug Monster’s Mom,

Physical touch might be your son’s primary way of expressing affection. It could also be that he craves closeness to you at times where he feels anxious, insecure, or some other way that would have him seeking comfort. Are there any patterns with regard to when he’s coming in for those cuddles? For example, does it happen on any walk with the dog, or does it happen after an ambulance has gone by? Is he actively engaged in an activity when he’s interrupting you at the computer, or is he bored during solo play time? Pay attention to exactly when he’s looking for hugs and note if there might be any evidence to suggest he’s using them to cope, or to feel affirmed. If it seems there’s something to that, then explore other ways to make him feel safe and comfortable: verbal affirmations, checking in on his feelings, or making adjustments to some of your routines, if needed. If signs point to your son simply being a 5-year-old who loves hugs, then why not just give them to him? It just seems to me like if anyone should have unlimited access to hugs, it’s a 5-year-old. You can introduce alternate methods of expressing physical affection if you’re truly burning out, such as butterfly kisses (when you “kiss” someone’s face with your eyelashes), high fives, or squeezing someone’s hand three times to signal “I love you” (Jimmy Fallon and his mother used this way of communicating until she passed; my daughter and I adopted it and have used it for years). However, it’s likely that nothing will please your hug-seeking child like a hug. Create boundaries as needed—when you have to work, when you’re sick—but don’t cut the hugs all together.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My very bright and academically successful 13-year-old daughter is in eighth grade, and has to take medication for a health problem several times a day, including three times a day at school. To take the medication, she must go to the nurse’s office where they dispense it for her. The nurse’s office is in an inconvenient location and my daughter often must rush between classes and is often late to class or lunch because she had to go to the nurse. While she has an excuse, her teachers still get irritated when she comes in late, and my daughter hates feeling left out socially when she’s not able to talk to her friends between classes or at lunch. We’ve spoken to her doctor, and she may be able to only need to take the pills twice a day at school instead of three times, but it’s still too much running back and forth to the nurse. There are no alternative treatments.

My husband and I are tempted to just have her carry the pills in her backpack and have her take them at the correct time discreetly. She’s been on this medication her whole life, and she is very responsible about it. I don’t think I’ve had to remind her to take her pills since she was about 6. She’s also quite embarrassed about her condition, so I seriously doubt she’d try to “share” with anyone at school (and even if she did, there’d be no recreational or even medicinal effect, the other person would probably get a mild case of diarrhea). However, we’re in a support group for other people with the same health issue and someone’s son got expelled for having the pills in his backpack instead of going to the nurse. My niece was also suspended for having ibuprofen in her bag when she was in eleventh grade, under the school’s “zero tolerance” policy. The school has been supremely unhelpful, suggesting that if my daughter didn’t like going to the nurse’s office then she should just be homeschooled. My daughter once loved school but is starting to really resent it. What can I do?

— Medicine Madness

Dear Medicine Madness,

If you can lower her daily doses to two, then great, but I think your efforts here should largely focus on increasing the support your child is getting from the adults at school. Speak to your daughter’s homeroom teacher and principal (again if necessary) about what is going on. The accommodations being made for your child’s illness are not sufficient and need to be adjusted. If the nurse is unable to meet her at a more central location (perhaps at least for one of these doses), the teachers should and must be understanding of the situation. It is unacceptable for them to make her feel bad about something that is beyond her control. If the school continues to be unhelpful, go above their heads and raise your concerns at the district or school board level, and continue making noise until there is action taken to make your daughter more comfortable at school.

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I can’t in good conscience tell you to let your daughter sneak and take her medication without the nurse, though I myself might be tempted to take such measures. If you do so, you assume the tremendous risk that comes with violating those dehumanizing “zero tolerance” policies, and I’d hate to see your child being punished for being sick. With that in mind, I urge you to make those assholes at her school rue the day they didn’t take this more seriously to begin with, complain to their bosses and make this a thing until you get what your daughter needs. Wishing you all the best.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

· If you missed Thursday’s column, read it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister and I were raised in an abusive home. When I was 13 and she was 8, I called CPS on my parents and we were removed from the home. We were placed together originally, but eventually split up in the system. She always resented me for turning our parents in, so for most of our teens and twenties we didn’t have much of a relationship. I now live with my wife and our two young daughters. My sister recently left her husband (a good thing, he was abusive toward her and quite possibly their children). She and her two young kids (daughter aged 7, and son aged 2) are living with us until she can get back on her feet. I know no two people parent exactly the same, and a lot of times there is no one right way to do something, but a lot of her parenting worries me. She yells at the kids nearly constantly, will send the older child to bed without dinner, and leaves the older to watch the toddler while she rests, to name a few issues. We have worked around and/or put a stop to some of this going on in our house. I’m available to watch the kids when she needs a break (I freelance, so my schedule is very flexible). We started to dinners as a whole family, and I made it clear withholding food is not a punishment in my house. But some of the stuff like the yelling I don’t know what, if anything, to do about. She is also rough with the kids in a way that I would not describe as abusive but does worry me. But maybe I am just being oversensitive. My wife says that while my sister is not gentle with the kids, she’s not close to abusive. It also pains me to say this, but honestly it does not seem like she loves the kids. Especially her daughter, who she blames for getting her stuck with the kid’s father. I’ve never once seen her hug or kiss her or give her any kind of physical affection.

I am not sure where to go with my worries. I don’t think anything reaches the level of abusive, but I worry about her kids, and I don’t like my kids exposed to her behavior either. She had nowhere to go other than our home, and even if she were able to find her own place, I think things would just get worse for her kids, not better. I also worry that if I put too much pressure on her, she’ll go back to her ex. I’ve thought about talking to my kids’ pediatrician because I am certainty not the expert on child-rearing, but I worry about bringing a professional into the mix. My sister still has not forgiven me for calling CPS when we were kids, and to be honest, while some things did improve for us in foster care, it wasn’t exactly a safe haven either. I know if there is any CPS involvement that will be the end of my relationship with my sister and her family, and by extension my ability to shield her kids from her behaviors. I think she’s very depressed and still working through the trauma of our pasts. She is not abusing drugs or alcohol, but I wish there was somewhere like rehab she could go that would help her get her head on straight, away from the worries of taking care of her kids. She meets with a therapist, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much, at least that I can see. All I want is what is best for her and her kids, but right now I don’t see any way to get her there. Is there a course of action I could be taking that I am missing here?

— Scared and Unsure

Dear Scared and Unsure,

You should talk to your sister about your concerns. This isn’t a one-conversation matter, and it’s probably going to be tough, but you’re going to need to open up this dialogue and keep it going. She needs to hear from you that you love her, that you’re always going to support her, and that you only want to see things get easier for her and her children, but that you are observing behaviors that give you pause. Yelling is not a healthy way to parent on a regular basis, and it’s the sort of thing that was made normal in your home growing up. Be clear that you know that she is not your parents, and that you aren’t comparing her to them, but that you also know that she’s been through a lot of devastating things—from childhood through her marriage—and that those things have a way in showing up when we parent our children. Talk about how you have managed to avoid the temptation to yell and why you choose quieter tones for speaking to your kids. Urge her to get some professional help (with your financial and logistical support if possible), so that she can be the parent she wants to be for her children: one who would never make her kids feel the way your parents did you two in the past. Talk about why sending a child to bed without food is unacceptable, and why a 7-year-old should not be trusted to care mind a toddler for more than a couple of minutes. Be clear on the behaviors that are disturbing you, and why, and that you’re willing to stand by her side as she does what she needs to do to break these patterns. I can’t tell you that she won’t resist, but I can tell you that she absolutely needs a reality check ASAP and for someone who loves her to help her get her caregiving on track. Otherwise, she may well find herself in in a situation where someone does need to call CPS on her. Don’t look the other way, don’t let up. All the best to you.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My oldest daughter attends a public K-8 school (she’s in sixth grade now, and has attended since Kindergarten). The elementary part of the school has always been a little more highly-regarded than the middle school part, but my husband and I knew this going in and decided we’d cross the middle school bridge when we got to it. My daughter’s fourth grade spring was interrupted by COVID, she spent pretty much all of fifth grade in either remote learning or hybrid learning that was very non-typical, and is now back full-time for sixth grade. She’s not doing well at all. There’s a lot of “mean girl behavior” in her grade level, and it’s hard for me to tell how much of it is misunderstandings vs. lack of socialization due to COVID vs.

garden variety jockeying for power in middle school vs. actual bullying/social aggression.

From other parents, and friends of mine who are teachers, it sounds like school in general just isn’t fun for anyone right now. Kids have forgotten how to socialize respectfully, and adults are at the end of their rope. We tried setting up a meeting with the teacher and guidance counselor, but they told us they were unable to meet due to being short-staffed. Should we stick it out for the rest of this school year, then explore switching schools for middle school like we’d planned for seventh grade? Should we sign our daughter up for remote learning for the rest of the year, which is an option at our district due to COVID? What’s the right approach here? We’re trying to balance showing respect for her feelings and lived experience, while also not making big decisions during a tumultuous time that is likely not representative of how things would be outside of a pandemic.

— Stuck in Seattle

Dear Stuck in Seattle,

How do you think your daughter will fare in remote learning? If she’s having such a terrible time right now, it might not be so bad to allow her to finish this last year at home as you plan to enroll her in a new middle school for next year. I think the only person who would know if that’s the right decision would be your daughter. Allow her to choose between finishing up in person or distance learning, and prepare yourself for the remainder of the year to be somewhat difficult for you both either way. The reports you have gotten from friends are in alignment with what I’ve heard from parents all over the country, which is that school sucks big time right now. Your daughter is far from alone in having this experience, and there may not be a solution that makes this a great school year for her. Focus on making her feel as peaceful as possible, and hearing her out about her challenges and taking them seriously. Best of luck to both of you.

— Jamilah

slate.com - Kid wants too many hugs: parenting advice from Care and Feeding.

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