Photo: Eren Li

Why do you feel drawn to someone?

leighnoren.com - Why We Feel Instant Attraction To Some People, But Not Others

Which zodiac is the leader of all?

Leo Sun rules the Leo zodiac sign, which makes them born leaders. As per astrology, Sun is the king of all planets. Similarly, Leo people lead the...

Last updated Nov 11, 2021

What does a gifted person look like?

Common Characteristics of Gifted Children: Enthusiastic about unique interests and topics. Quirky or mature sense of humor. Creative problem...

Last updated Oct 14, 2020

Do you really know who the “One” is? Your true Soulmate?

Promotion

You know that feeling that suddenly hits you. You’re traipsing about in town and notice someone who gives you a jolt. Or it could be your partner coming out of the shower, smelling irresistible. Or, all of a sudden your best friend feels… sexy? What you feel is – instant attraction and there’s a reason why we feel instant attraction to some people, but not others. As a sex therapist I often talk about sexual desire. The reason for this is that desire for sex is so fundamental to many of us. It’s also because it’s one of the most frequent reasons clients seek my help or the help of other sex therapists. A related concept – is attraction. What’s so exciting about attraction is that it often seems mysterious, and difficult to define. You know when you experience it, but you don’t always know why you experience it. In this blog post I’ll be focusing on why we feel instant attraction to some people and not to others.

Why We Feel Attraction

Research says it takes less than one second (!) from meeting a person to decide how much we like that person, and whether we’re attracted or not. It sounds like a very short time – and it is – but the important thing here is realizing that it’s about the initial feeling. How much we like someone and how attracted we are to a person may of course change with time. For some people, attraction appears after years of friendship. All of a sudden your colleague or close friend may seem incredibly attractive. At other times it may go the other way, and the attraction to your partner, for instance, vanishes into thin air, only to reappear – just as unexpectedly – a couple of months later with a vengeance. If you’re here because you’re not feeling attracted to your partner anymore, you might instead want to check out my blog post on common causes of low libido in women instead or common causes of low libido in men. “When it comes to that instant attraction that many of us can identify with, we usually ascribe that to things we’re aware of, such as the way a person looks. It’s not unusual for us to have a ”type”, and that’s what determines that first jolt of attraction.”

What men want in intimacy?

Men secretly crave to talk about their feelings, men want to be understood, they want to know how to be more vulnerable in relationships, to let...

Last updated Apr 9, 2020

How do I know he is my life partner?

If you accept each other no matter what, you easily forgive, love each other's flaws or imperfections, and can even bridge your differences,...

Last updated Dec 17, 2022

Promotion

But there are in fact many other factors involved at the same time, which may actually affect attraction more than just looks. A person who’s written quite a lot about attraction is sex researcher Justin Lehmiller. In his book, “The Psychology of Human Sexuality” Justin has compiled research on attraction and how it works. He lists the following factors as some of the more essential ones for us to feel attracted to someone.

Closeness

It’s more likely that we feel attracted to someone who’s closer to us geographically – such as someone who lives in our area or a person at work.

Similarity

It’s more likely that we get attracted to someone who’s more similar to us than not. Being similar does not, however, predict the longevity of the relationship or how happy we are together.

Physical Excitement

When we meet someone we don’t know and are physically aroused (for example have a higher heart rate as a result of an adrenaline rush), it increases the chances we’ll feel instant attraction.

Mood

We like people who make us feel good. We like other people more when we ourselves feel good – even if it wasn’t the other person who made us feel good.

Shortage

When there are fewer potential partners to choose from we tend to view the potential ones present, as more attractive. When potential partners appear more difficult to catch we become more attracted to them.

Looks

People of all gender identities are more attracted to people they find good looking. But the attraction we feel may depend on whether others experience that person as attractive, and the context we’re in (that is if there are other attractive/less attractive people in the same room). A person’s looks tend to be more important at the beginning of a relationship compared to later on in a romantic relationship.

Hormones and Neurotransmitters

What body language shows you are attracted to someone?

There are several physical signs from your body that tell you when you're feeling attractions. Some of the physiological responses to attraction...

Last updated Mar 2, 2018

How do you know if a girl doesn't find you attractive?

Signs that Your Girlfriend Isn't Sexually Attracted to You She Doesn't Flirt Back. ... She Always Find Reasons to not be Alone with You. ... They...

Last updated Mar 29, 2020

Promotion

Attraction is also partly determined by our sense of smell, and what is referred to as pheromones. Higher levels of oxytocin and dopamine may also increase the level of attraction. So, as you can see, there are many factors affecting whether we feel attracted to someone or not. If you don’t know why you have low sex drive – you can’t increase it. My free resource, The Desire Test, is a quiz that helps you take the first step towards an increased sex drive. Download the quiz and you also get instant get access to my, deeply appreciated, weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Yes, please!

Learn how attraction works for you:

What do you think are important factors for you to feel attracted to someone?

For example: that we share the same values and/or that they’re good-looking.

Has what makes you attracted to someone, changed over time?

If so, in what way?

How does it feel when you think about what attracts you to someone? If you need help identifying a feeling you might want to follow these steps:

Where in your body do you experience the feeling?

How does the feeling feel?

What does it make you want to do?

Have you noticed anything else that tends to make you feel attracted, which isn’t listed above in the various factors?

If so, what is it?

Why we feel instant attraction to some people, and not others, is affected by lots of different things: mood, hormones and neurotransmitters, how alike we are, the shortage of other partners available, looks, physical excitement, and the proximity of geographical closeness. Now I’d love to know: was there anything in that list of factors you were surprised by? Or something that fitted you particularly well?

First published on my Swedish website, Sexologkliniken.

leighnoren.com - Why We Feel Instant Attraction To Some People, But Not Others

How do you know if someone is thinking about you constantly?

You Dream About Them This is especially true for people who have not seen each other for a long time. If they are thinking actively about you, it...

Last updated Mar 21, 2019

Can 2 sperm fertilize the same egg?

Occasionally, two sperm are known to fertilize a single egg; this 'double fertilization' is thought to happen in about 1% of human conceptions. An...

Last updated Dec 5, 2022

Promotion

How do you feel deeply connected to someone?

Building Deeper Connections with Others Practise Active Listening. ... Listen to the Feelings Behind the Words. ... Give and Receive Honest...

Last updated Dec 24, 2021

Promotion

What is emotional attraction for a man?

Emotional attraction involves not just your partner's body, but also to their hearts, minds, and dreams. It means valuing them for who they are and...

Last updated Apr 20, 2022