Soulmate Gem
Soulmate Gem
Photo: Rachel Claire
Funeral meals have always meant to assuage grief and to honor the dead and their beliefs about the hereafter. In America these meals also reflect ethnicity, health trends, state law and contemporary funeral practices. But feeding the grieving also has a fundamental aim, says Dr.
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Read More »Vertamae Grosvenor says she always wondered why she and her relatives ate so much after funerals. "Even people on diets just ate plate after plate," Grosvenor, a cultural correspondent for National Public Radio, says about postfuneral meals in South Carolina, where she grew up. "My theory was, we ate so much because that's how we knew we were alive." Funeral meals have always meant to assuage grief and to honor the dead and their beliefs about the hereafter. In America these meals also reflect ethnicity, health trends, state law and contemporary funeral practices. But feeding the grieving also has a fundamental aim, says Dr. Holly Prigerson, a bereavement specialist. "You can't be noshing when something's chasing you," says Prigerson, director of research at the Center for Psycho-Oncology and Palliative Care at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute at Harvard Medical School. She says C.S. Lewis was right when he wrote, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." She continues: "Grief triggers the fight-or-flight mechanism. Your body's in a state of alarm. It's like something's chasing you. When grieving people say they don't feel like eating, that's because the body is prioritizing for survival.
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Read More »"Because of the growth in cremations, there's no need to go to the cemetery," he says. "I started looking down the road at the future. I wanted to offer something of value to the people we serve. Our community is mostly German, Irish and Polish. Serving food after a funeral is a very good and needed part of our clients' traditions. "We work with the families and caterers to create a meal that reflects the person being remembered. We've done a replica of an English high tea, for example. We had a German oompah band the other day in the dining room. That was a baked chicken dinner with parsley boiled potatoes, green beans and relish trays. For a Norwegian lady we did everything in the colors of the Norwegian flag. Swedish meatballs were on the menu." Sometimes the signs of ethnicity are subtler. Gayden Metcalfe, co-author of Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral (Hyperion, 2005), says white and black Southerners take different approaches to the funeral meal. "The African-American community does repasts beautifully," she says. "They take the time to prepare wonderful food. We white Southerners kind of do it all in a rush. That's why our funeral foods are dishes like casseroles and Jell-O salads. Things you can put together real fast with ingredients you have on hand. I think that's why my mother always had a casserole in the freezer, just to have something ready in case someone died." The funeral meal's most influential designer is religion, but there is room for flexibility. Rabbi Sholom Lipskar says that in his 36 years of being a rabbi, he has noted changes in the food that friends and relatives take to mourners during shiva, the traditional seven-day period of mourning. "Nowadays people are more health-conscious," says Rabbi Lipskar of the Shul, a Chabad-Lubavitch synagogue in Bal Harbour. "You're getting a lot more vegetable trays with dips and less of the fried, fatty foods you used to see in the past." He says that there were no rules for the food brought during shiva, but that Jewish law dictates the contents of the seudat havra'ah, or the meal that first-degree relatives of the deceased must eat immediately after the funeral.
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Read More »"We trace it back to the lentils prepared by Jacob," he says. "Abraham, Jacob's grandfather, had died. Jacob was preparing the postfuneral meal, seudat havra'ah, for his father, Isaac. To this day, lentils are part of that postfuneral meal. Lentils and hardboiled eggs. Round things that symbolize life's cyclical nature." Hindus also use specific foods as markers of the different stages of mourning. Pandit Krishna Samudrala, spiritual leader of Malibu Hindu Temple in Calabasas, Calif., says desserts have a prominent place in the Hindu postfuneral meal. For the first 12 days the deceased's first-degree relatives are ritually impure, he says. On the 13th day relatives and friends are invited to a vegetarian meal in which no garlic or onion are used. "In India we would hire a cook to come and prepare this meal. But in Los Angeles these cooks can't be found, so family and friends help out," he says. It's a meal of curry and sambar, and of three traditional desserts: appam, a rice-flour pancake; and vada, which is a kind of doughnut; and payasam, which is a rice pudding. "Throughout India these dishes may be prepared a little differently, but the desserts are important because they have a special meaning for us. Sweets mean that people are carrying on with their lives," he says Imam Mateen Siddiqui, vice president of the Supreme Islamic Council of America in Fenton, Mich., says that each Muslim country had its own tradition for funeral meals. You'll usually find lamb, rice and bread, he says. The meal is a form of charity for the friends and relatives who've come to the funeral. The blessing from that charity goes to the deceased. The more that guests eat and fill themselves, the more of a blessing goes to the dead.
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