What to do when a narcissist is mad at you?

Dealing with any form of narcissist can be difficult, but when you see that the narcissist is enraged, do not continue engaging with them. Physically distance yourself from them as much as you can. Ignore them and avoid any interaction with them. Set your boundaries, remembering that they will try to manipulate you.

choosingtherapy.com - Narcissistic Rage: Triggers, Causes, & How to Respond - Choosing Therapy

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What Causes Narcissistic Rage?

Narcissistic rage happens when a narcissist receives an injury. This perceived offense causes the narcissist to flare up with anger.

What Is Narcissistic Injury?

Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissist thinks their self-esteem or self-worth are threatened.2 The narcissist’s false self is exposed, causing distress that leads to narcissistic rage. Narcissists are extremely sensitive individuals with very low self-esteem. When their shortcomings are pointed out, they become defensive and frustrated. Their delusions of grandeur are put on display and their inadequacies are highlighted.

8 Triggers of a Narcissist’s Rage

Here are eight ways a narcissist’s rage could be triggered:2

They don’t get their way, even if what they want is unreasonable They feel that they’ve been criticized, even if the critique is constructive or said kindly They’re not the center of attention They’re caught breaking rules or not respecting boundaries They’re held accountable for their actions Their idealized self-image was harmed in some way They’re reminded of their manipulation, inadequacy, or shame They feel out of control of their surroundings

6 Examples of Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rage can take infinite forms depending on the individual and the situation. Some possible examples of narcissistic rage include: The narcissist breaking all of the glasses in the house if a guest notices a smudge on one while taking a drink The narcissist punches a hole in the wall if their child does not finish first in a race at school The narcissist verbally abuses their spouse for three hours when they have not cleaned the house to their standard. The narcissist destroys a public bathroom after a stranger criticizes their dirty car The narcissist slashes the tires of the person at work who received the promotion over them The narcissist hits their spouse and/or children because they feel that they were embarrassed in front of coworkers

10 Ways to Avoid a Narcissist’s Rage

Here are 10 tips for when you’re faced with narcissistic rage:

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1. Physically Distance Yourself

Once you see that the narcissist has become enraged, you should immediately remove yourself physically from the narcissist’s presence. Go to another room or office. Go outside or exit the car. With narcissistic rage, you can never be too careful.

2. Establish Your Boundaries

Firmly state your boundaries and stick to them. Remove yourself from the situation and disengage completely. Have a few phrases to help disarm the narcissist, and tell them that you would be willing to discuss the situation once they have calmed down and are open to a more positive discussion. Consistently establishing and sticking to your boundaries will let the narcissist know that their manipulative tactics do not work on you. Once you deviate from your established boundaries, the narcissist will continue their abuse.

3. Stay Calm

This is for your own well being. The narcissist enjoys seeing you rattled and upset. Make every effort to stay calm. Try meditation—it can help you to slow down your breathing and calm anxieties, creating a sense of detachment from the narcissistic drama. Counting down, refocusing, or finding your ‘happy place’ will keep you calm when faced with narcissistic rage.

4. Don’t Overreact to the Narcissist’s Rage

The narcissist gets joy from watching you react to their rage. They know that you are experiencing great discomfort and anxiety. Don’t feed their need for supply. No reaction is the best course of action.

5. Empathize With the Narcissist & Validate Their Viewpoint

Try to understand the narcissist’s point and empathize with them. By agreeing with some of their points, you give the narcissist a sense of validation. Try to avoid any condescending tone to avoid enraging the narcissist. Agree with their key points for the moment, until a later time when you can actually discuss the issue and share your viewpoint.

6. Don’t Raise Your Voice

Narcissists are often triggered by aggressive actions and tones. To avoid or discourage their rage, don’t threaten or challenge them with an assertive voice.

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7. Take a Break

Pause and explain to the narcissist that you need time to think about what they are saying. This also validates the narcissist’s point of view because you are taking time to understand them.

8. Remember This Is Not About You

Everything is always about the narcissist, their wants, and their needs. When you understand this, it is easier to deal with them and the narcissistic tactics that come along with them.

9. Understand Where the Fault Lies

Victims of narcissistic abuse tend to blame themselves for the rage given by the narcissist, often finding reasons why their behavior led to the rage. Understand that this is a personality disorder that has nothing to do with you. It was probably established well before they met you. There is nothing within you that you need to fix in order to appease the narcissist. This is not your fault. They have an insatiable appetite for attention and there is nothing you can do about it.

10. Follow Through

Establishing boundaries and following through are key to stopping narcissistic abuse and rage. Actions speak louder than words.The narcissist does not listen to your words, but they pay very close attention to your actions. Being steadfast, assertive, and bold with your actions is essential to overpowering their abuse and tempering their rage.

choosingtherapy.com - Narcissistic Rage: Triggers, Causes, & How to Respond - Choosing Therapy

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