What the covert narcissist fears most?

Although narcissists act superior to others and posture as beyond reproach, underneath their grandiose exteriors lurk their deepest fears: That they are flawed, illegitimate, and ordinary.

psychologytoday.com - Narcissists' Greatest Fears | Psychology Today

What is a Kiwi kiss?

Anyhoo, I thought we'd kick things off with some dressed up booze in the form of a Kiwi Kiss Cocktail. This sassy green c-tail is a sweet-tart...

Last updated Jan 7, 2019

Are Cancers sensitive zodiac?

Cancers are very gentle when you're on their good side, and like to take care of people, so they come off as very sensitive (which they are, don't...

Last updated Nov 17, 2021

Do you really know who the “One” is? Your true Soulmate?

Promotion

Although narcissists act superior to others and posture as beyond reproach, underneath their grandiose exteriors lurk their deepest fears: That they are flawed, illegitimate, and ordinary. We know from research and foundational theory about narcissism that narcissists develop a "false self" or “as-if” personality to hide their fears and failings. Narcissists who grew up over-empowered come to expect that the world will treat them as special as their parents did, without them having to do anything to merit such treatment. Narcissists who grew up under-empowered live on a treadmill of self-aggrandizement, seeking to cover their shame for falling short of the impossibly high standards their parents placed on them. In either case, narcissists live behind an endlessly-under-construction facade designed to procure attention and special treatment while obscuring failings and weaknesses they dare not confront. Narcissists are frightened, fragile people. Rejection, humiliation, and even the tiniest of defeats can shake them to their core. This leaves narcissists wholly focused on their image. They believe that how they are viewed by others, and how they view themselves, will shield them against realities of life that few of us like but most of us come to accept. Realities such as:

None of us is perfect.

We all have our limitations.

We can’t get everything we want.

There will always be someone younger, prettier, richer, or more successful.

Ultimately, we all age and die.

Loath to acknowledge such universal truths, narcissists rarely admit, let alone embrace, that to be human sometimes means having doubts, feeling lonely, making mistakes, and living with despair. To narcissists, such experiences are seen as weak, which they cannot allow. As a result, narcissists live constantly on guard, viewing everyone as potential competitors. Narcissists’ strategies may differ—they may become blowhards, exhibitionists, charmers, or martyrs—but the goals are the same: to prevail every single time while always avoiding loss of face. Ensconced in spinning a version of reality most favorable to them, narcissists tend to lie and misrepresent so readily that they become convinced that whatever they utter in the moment is true and right. To many around them, such conviction can be persuasive unless you spot the underlying man-behind-the-curtain dynamic. If such an existence sounds lonely and exhausting, it is. But narcissists, like many species of sharks, cannot stop moving or they will perish. In their never-ending quest for attention and gratification, they manipulate, bully, and boast. These tactics and projections inevitably offload narcissists' unclaimed loneliness and exhaustion to those around them. For those of us with narcissists in our lives, knowing all this can be freeing. Understanding narcissists' dread of looking bad can help us have compassion for their excesses and lack of empathy. Recognizing their terror of being unmasked can help us understand why their rage can be triggered by the most benign of events. Understanding their fear of being seen as ordinary may help explain their inability to meet others on an even playing field or seek win-win solutions. Yet having compassion for and understanding of narcissists does not take away from our responsibility to protect ourselves from narcissistic manipulation and abuse. When you interact with narcissists, ask yourself what the costs are. Consider whether those costs are worth spending a minute more than necessary around an unhealthy narcissistic person. Narcissists will nearly always find others to feed their egos. You don't have to be the meal. Your time, attention, presence, emotional health, and self-esteem are precious gifts. Bestow them wisely.

Copyright © 2020 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

An earlier version of this post appeared on psychcentral.com

How many dates until you're considered a relationship?

Many people subscribe to the 10-date rule — aka, if you've gone on ten dates, then you're probably in a relationship. If we apply the 10-date rule,...

Last updated May 20, 2020

Do marriages last longer if you marry your best friend?

According to a study recently published in the National Bureau of Economic Research, married couples who said their spouse was their best friend...

Last updated Nov 22, 2020

Promotion

Why would a girl want to stay single?

Single women who love being single don't need a man to have a fulfilled life. They have other things in life to keep them happy. Traveling, going out with friends, flirting with random people, chasing a successful career is what excites them more than being in a relationship.

timesofindia.indiatimes.com - Reasons why some women prefer being single than in a relationship

Not all women think that they need a man to make them happy and satisfied in life. These are the women for whom being single is a blessing. They embrace their solitude and they love their freedom. They don't think being single is anything to worry about. In fact, for some women, relationships are all about drama and it all seems too complicated to handle. These are the kind of women who think being single works best for them. We're here to tell you the reasons why riding solo is the best option for some women than being in a relationship.

What makes a girl attractive to a man?

According to science, men find women more attractive when they are smart, intelligent, caring, confident, have a good sense of humor, kind,...

Last updated May 15, 2021

What will attract boys?

What men find sexy: Simple ways to get him to notice you Smile. TODAY. ... Don't hide in the corner. Stay away from hiding yourself in the corner,...

Last updated Apr 8, 2019

Promotion

How do you tell if a Gemini likes you?

He will make lots of flirty and playful comments to show you he's interested. Also, he may take an interest in some of your hobbies to have a...

Last updated Dec 13, 2018

Promotion

What is considered flirting in Korea?

Flirting in Korean culture is pretty much like what you see in Korean dramas. They use romantic, sweet, and cute phrases to touch the heart of the...

Last updated Mar 11, 2022