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What not to say after someone dies?

“How are you doing?” “You'll be okay after a while.” “I understand how you feel.” “You shouldn't feel that way.” “Stop crying.” “At least he's in a better place; his suffering is over.” “At least she lived a long life, many people die young.” “She brought this on herself.” More items... •

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Going through grief, which is being experienced by so many people these days, can leave a lasting imprint on the brain and can cause myriad symptoms. It can make people feel sad, depressed, unable to concentrate, edgy, anxious, or irritable, and can cause trouble sleeping. If you know someone who’s mourning the loss of a loved one, you may wonder what you should say, or what you shouldn’t say. The neuropsychiatrists at Amen Clinics, the global leader in brain health, have helped thousands of patients who are mourning the loss of a loved one. And those patients have shared some very hurtful comments they heard that just made them feel worse. For example, one woman who was just 28 when her 30-year-old husband died in a car accident, said, “I can’t believe how many people told me, ‘At least you’re young. You’ll find a new husband.’” Another patient whose son died by suicide, cried when she remembered someone telling her, “It’s a blessing that you have other children.’” Granted, it can be difficult to know what to say or what not to say in life’s most difficult moments. To help you understand what typically comes off as hurtful rather than helpful, here are 19 things Amen Clinics patients said they wish people would stop saying to someone who’s grieving. “How are you doing?” “You’ll be okay after a while.” “I understand how you feel.” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “Stop crying.” “At least he’s in a better place; his suffering is over.” “At least she lived a long life, many people die young.” “She brought this on herself.” “Aren’t you over him yet, he’s been dead for a while now.” “There is a reason for everything.” “God’s in charge.” “She was such a good person; God wanted her to be with Him.” “Just give it time. Time heals.” (Time does not heal, taking the right steps heals.) “You’re young; you can still have other children.” “You’ll do better next time in love.” “It was just a dog or cat. You can get another one.” “Stay busy. Don’t think about it.” “You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, etc.” (This diminishes their need to take time to heal.) “Just move on.”

12 Things to Say to (or Do for) a Grieving Person

Based on what thousands of Amen Clinics patients have said, here are better ways to communicate and connect with someone who’s in mourning. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “I wish I had the right words. Please know I care and I’m here for you.” “You and your loved ones are in my prayers.” “I can’t imagine how you feel.” Then be quiet and let them tell you about their feelings. “I can’t imagine how you feel. When I lost my father I felt …..” Then listen without judgment or criticism. “I’m here for you.” Better yet, if there is something specific they need, ask if you can do it for them. Ask if you can make phone calls or send emails on their behalf. “Can I go to the funeral?” This is often an important sign of support. “Want to talk about what happened?” Many people avoid this question, but it helps the griever to explain it, if they desire, and having a compassionate ear can help them process it more accurately. Just be present. Share a memory about the person who’s gone. Be empathetic. It’s okay for you to show your feelings. Continue connecting, even after a few months. Many people are inundated in the first few weeks, but they need support long after the funeral is over.

Don’t Block Your Painful Feelings

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If you’re the one who’s grieving, know that there are steps you can take to heal. Allowing yourself to express your painful feelings is one of them. Let your feelings wash over you, cry, scream (not at others!), then challenge the thoughts that underlie the feeling to see if they are true. When you avoid painful thoughts, feelings, and memories, it creates more harm than good in the long run. A wealth of research, including a study in Behaviour Research and Therapy, has shown that avoidance increases the likelihood of a host of psychological issues, such as depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders, binge eating, chronic pain, low academic performance, and more. Whenever you are suffering from grief, write out your feelings or find a friend or therapist you can talk them out to. This can help bring perspective, which often gets lost during emotional crises. Blocking your feelings leads to engaging in negative behaviors to deal with the excess negative emotional energy. PTSD, depression, and other mental health disorders can’t wait. During these uncertain times, your mental well-being is more important than ever and waiting until life gets back to “normal” is likely to make your symptoms worsen over time. At Amen Clinics, we’re here for you. We offer in-clinic brain scanning and appointments, as well as mental telehealth, remote clinical evaluations, and video therapy for adults, children, and couples. Find out more by speaking to a specialist today at 888-288-9834. If all our specialists are busy helping others, you can also schedule a time to talk.

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