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What kind of flirting is cheating?

For some, flirting can be deemed cheating when one partner is overly friendly with someone else, especially if this breaks previously agreed upon rules. For others, flirting is considered crossing the line into cheating when it risks turning into a physical or emotional affair.

choosingtherapy.com - Is Flirting Cheating? 7 Reasons It Can Hurt Your Relationship

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When Can Flirting Hurt Your Relationship?

Flirting with others can hurt your relationship if it remains a constant issue, as it erodes the trust and respect you and your partner have for each other. Emotional affairs, online infidelity, and micro cheating (for example, lying about your status on social media, “liking” provocative posts, or reaching out to someone else for support when you are experiencing relationship issues) can hurt just as much as physical and/or sexual infidelity. In some of these cases, the person starts to share more intimate details of their life, finds ways to see or speak to this person, and makes inappropriate comparisons to their current partner.3

Below are seven ways flirting can hurt your relationship:

Creates trust issues: When a person flirts with others outside of the relationship, it begins to erode the trust in the relationship, putting cracks in the foundation. This is especially true when there is a conscious violation of the relationship’s boundaries. Resentment: It is common for resentment to grow in a relationship when issues are not addressed, or they have been addressed and nothing has changed. For example, if a person continuously communicates that their partner’s flirting affects them but nothing changes, resentment in their partner will continue to grow. Boundary issues: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships is critical to building lasting trust and respect. When a person crosses or refuses to honor a boundary, it often damages the relationship by making the person feel disrespected and unappreciated. Low self-esteem: When someone is continually flirting with other people outside of their relationship, it could affect their partner’s self-esteem and make them uncomfortable, which can lead to issues such as depression and anxiety. Increased risk of infidelity: There is a risk that flirting can become something bigger and more destructive, leading some to stray and commit emotional or physical infidelity. It can destroy your relationship. Ultimately, continued flirting that oversteps your relationship’s boundaries can destroy your partnership. It can be an example of a behavior that undermines the trust, respect, and safety in the relationship. Creates intimacy issues with your partner: Flirting with others can feel like an escape from reality, in which kids, bills, life, and work stress put additional strain on relationships. When a person continues to engage in this type of behavior, they may feel more drawn or attracted to more carefree interactions and individuals, which can create intimacy issues with their partner if they fail to provide a similar escape.

What To I Do If My Partner is Flirting with Someone Else?

If you notice your partner flirting with someone else, you may feel a range of emotions; you may find that it doesn’t bother you, but it is common to feel sad, confused, frustrated, and worried that your partner is cheating. You may feel there is nothing you can do, but that is not true. There are several steps you can take to move forward, whether you choose to work through the issue and stay in the relationship or part ways. Some important steps to take if flirting becomes an issue in your relationship include:

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Open the Conversation

If your partner’s flirting is bothering you, it is important that you speak up, especially if it happens on more than one occasion. However, it is important that both people approach the conversation in a calm, respectful manner and remain dedicated to hearing each other out–even when the subjects become unpleasant.

Some techniques to have a productive, healthy conversation about flirting include:

Create a structured conversation

Learn how to fight fair so you can learn how to change your communication patterns Use ‘I’ statements that express how you feel without blaming (i.e., “I feel hurt that you continue to flirt with other people even though I’ve mentioned it makes me feel insecure.”)

Schedule alone time

Approach the conversation while in a good emotional space

Discuss only one topic (in this case, how the flirting makes you feel) Take turns “having the floor” where one of you speaks and the other cannot interrupt

Manage your emotions and take “time outs” if necessary

Agree on the length of time prior to the conversation and set a timer

Watch your tone and inflection

Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries around flirting and fidelity early on in a relationship can help you avoid situations where the line between innocent behavior and infidelity blur. Discuss with your partner how each of you feel about flirting — when is it okay, when does it cross a line, what’s the intention behind the flirting, and so on. If your partner flirts with other people after you have set these boundaries, you should feel comfortable enforcing them. This can look like telling the person that what they are doing is hurtful and intolerable while bringing up the previously agreed upon rules around flirting and how this negatively affects the relationship. Boundaries can and should be reevaluated and renegotiated if situations come up that make either partner uncomfortable.

Rebuild Trust

If you and your partner are interested in staying together, take the steps to rebuild trust in the relationship. You should start to do this – sooner rather than later – by engaging in healthy conversations that allow both people to talk about their feelings. Conversations should also address the reason(s) behind the flirting, setting healthy boundaries, and building a safer space. It may not happen overnight, but trust can be rebuilt and re-earned.

Don’t Take It Personally

If and when the flirting crosses a boundary, it is often the flirting partner’s fault, so make sure you leave any self-blame you may be feeling at the door. It is easy to blame ourselves for our partner’s inappropriate behavior–or even infidelity–by saying things like, “If I was more fun, he wouldn’t be flirting with his coworker,” or “If I worked fewer hours and spent more time with her, she wouldn’t be sending flirty messages on Instagram.” However, remember that your partner made a choice to betray your trust and disrespect your boundaries, which was entirely avoidable. This will allow the person to take responsibility for their issues.

Don’t Accept It—If You Set the Boundary, Maintain It

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Have a conversation with your partner about their flirting and how harmful it is for the relationship. Seek to listen and understand their motives, as they can help you work on your relationship. However, even if you listen and understand, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. If they crossed a boundary, you have the right to remain upset.

When To Seek Professional Help

Many people–both individually and as couples–attempt to work on relationship issues without professional help, but this can be challenging. If you find yourself in that situation, it might be time to seek individual and/or marriage & couples therapy. A relationship professional provides a safe platform where an individual or couple can discuss any issues affecting your partnership and can help you develop more effective coping skills. Many therapists offer both in-person and online couples counseling services. You can find the right couples counselor by browsing an online therapist directory that allows you to look at a therapist’s areas of expertise and filter by factors such as gender, location, and insurance.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, each couple determines whether or not flirting is considered cheating in their relationship. Each couple has their own rules and boundaries, thus, reinforcing and honoring the rules of your relationship is most important. Issues with inappropriate flirting in relationships can take a mental and emotional toll on the couple and create problems with trust and self-esteem. Despite those factors, there are many ways to have healthy conversations about–and move forward from–the problem of flirting and infidelity in a relationship.

choosingtherapy.com - Is Flirting Cheating? 7 Reasons It Can Hurt Your Relationship

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