Soulmate Gem
Soulmate Gem
Photo: Trần Long
Impossible love is desire for someone that has little likelihood of fulfillment. Typically, the object of impossible love is thought of as someone who can appease your desires, but for various reasons is beyond your reach.
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Read More »Impossible love is desire for someone that has little likelihood of fulfillment. Typically, the object of impossible love is thought of as someone who can appease your desires, but for various reasons is beyond your reach. Since humans are motivated to savor and maximize positive emotions and minimize negative ones, experiencing impossible love is stressful. The obstacles in impossible love may vary. The object of your affection may be attached to someone else, unmanageable geographically, disinterested in your gender, deceased, or incapable of returning your affection. These obstacles can lead you to experience distress, anguish, grief, or anger. However, since an everyday relationship is not possible, the participants in a situation of impossible love may be safe to experience intensity that otherwise would be threatening. Impossible love is shaming. Shame experienced in impossible love is not ordinarily how you would expect shame to feel. As I’ve noted in other posts that have to do with intimate relationships, in such situations shame is felt as disengagement, as a letdown, a disappointment, or as a frustration (Catherall, 2012). Beginning in early childhood, shame is activated whenever an anticipated outcome—the expectation of excitement or enjoyment—is impeded and leaves one crestfallen (Tomkins, 1963). When you are in a situation of impossible love, fantasies of the love being realized may activate moments of enjoyment and excitement. However, when your attention turns to reality, such fantasies are negated. Humans have a need to experience and express what they feel, and thus such suppression of emotion is punishing or unpleasant (Tomkins, 1963). The inability to express emotion in situations of impossible love turns a positively directed emotion into a distressing negative one. Why would we stay with love that is impossible? Emotionally laden scenes in one’s life later become personality features, a process which Silvan Tomkins (1963) referred to as psychological magnification. Through socialization experiences, the emotional life of some individuals becomes monopolistic; that is, dominated by a single emotion, such as distress, anguish, or shame. Children who experience trauma related to broken interpersonal connections may, as adults, enact conditions that perpetuate the sense of an undeserving self. Consider a child who hungers for a parent’s love or acceptance, for example, and instead continuously experiences shaming disinterest that is interspersed with occasional exciting and hoped-for moments of engagement. As an adult, an impossible love becomes a proxy that revives shame-laden emotional memories and evokes childhood longing. One hundred years ago, Freud (1914) described how unconscious memories become repetitions; the repetition compulsion was the means by which memories are avoided through action in the present that serves to keep them unrecognizable. However, given that the experience of intense emotion in the present will activate emotional memories, perhaps we repeat so that we can remember. What’s possible in impossible love is the potential to remember the past, and, in doing so, recognize what may need to be reflected upon in order to learn.
Twin flame separation is not like typical relationship breakdown. When we separate from our flames it's as though our entire lives have been...
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First love is the first dose of addiction Oxytocin, which is also called the “love hormone”, is responsible for feelings of attachment and...
Read More »Twin flame relationships are thought to be the most intense relationships we can have in our lives—but they're not always meant to last. Sometimes, twin flames go through a separation period, and whether the separation ends up being permanent depends on that particular pair.
While the separation may not be permanent, it is virtually always a time to focus on and prioritize your own growth and self-love. Nuñez says it's important for each person to focus on finding themselves and their own happiness—"because oftentimes our happiness is contingent upon being in a relationship or somebody else," she notes, when it shouldn't be. When that work is done, she adds, that's when twin flames can often rekindle because they're ready to approach the relationship in a new and stronger way. But this growth can't be fast-tracked, she adds, and that's when you really have to trust what's meant for you will be. "Know the universe isn't going to steer you wrong, and if you're truly meant to be, you'll go off and find your way back together again," she says. Focus on learning to be OK being by yourself, she suggests. Take yourself out on dates, learn to sit with your emotions, practice shadow work, and don't try to replace what you've lost by rushing into another relationship. Nuñez says this time is about finding your happiness. And remember, we can have platonic soul mates and other important relationships in our lives that also teach us important lessons and help us grow. The separation period is a good time to nourish those relationships, too.
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