What is the 25 year itch?

Phil Lampe used to assume that divorced people his age had ended their marriages years earlier. Who waits until his or her 50s to get divorced? “After 25 years, 30 years, and kids — and all of that life experience — you're ending the marriage?

dispatch.com - More couples splitting up after 25-year itch - The Columbus Dispatch

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Amy Saunders, The Columbus Dispatch

Phil Lampe used to assume that divorced people his age had ended their marriages years earlier.

Who waits until his or her 50s to get divorced?

“After 25 years, 30 years, and kids — and all of that life experience — you’re ending the marriage? How can you do that?” he recalled thinking.

“Well, now I can see why.”

While their two daughters grew up, Lampe and his wife gradually grew apart — their differences becoming more apparent, communication waning and tension building. Their divorce was finalized last year, leaving Lampe single for the first time in 23 years. Upon joining a divorce-related support group, the Worthington resident, 51, realized that his situation is no longer considered rare: Almost everyone else in the group had been married just as long. The trend is more than an observation: The U.S. divorce rate, despite remaining flat overall, has doubled for people 50 and older in the past two decades, according to a study by the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University. The research was inspired by high-school sweethearts Al and Tipper Gore, who, in a decision that seemed unusual to sociology professor Susan L. Brown at the time, separated in 2010 after 40 years of marriage. Brown was shocked to find how common “gray divorce” had become in the time when the 50-and-older population, according to the U.S. census, increased by 52 percent. In 2009, 1 in 4 divorces occurred among people 50 and older — up from just 8?percent in 1990. Decades ago, couples faced more societal pressure to stay married; women, fewer of whom had careers, might not have thought it financially feasible to leave their husbands. Attitudes have since changed at a time when 45?percent of American marriages end in divorce (and when, as of 2009, half of post-50 divorced people were already remarried). Marriage, Brown said, is seen less as a social obligation and more as a means to happiness. As the life expectancy increases, some people aren’t willing to spend 20 or 30 more years in a relationship that isn’t as fulfilling as it once was. “When marriages don’t meet our needs or enhance our own personal well-being, many of us view divorce as acceptable,” Brown said. “That mindset is something that now persists across the generations.”

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At any time, lawyer Denise Mirman might have a dozen clients who are divorcing after at least three decades of marriage. The most common reason, she said, is the same at any age: People drift apart. But later-in-life circumstances — retirement, children leaving the house — can push long-brewing disagreements to the surface. The emotional aftermath of divorce can be devastating after half a lifetime with the same partner. “When you’ve been married that long, it’s like the loss of a culture,” said Mirman, managing partner of Friedman & Mirman, near Grandview Heights. “Your whole adult world is changing, and that is very, very difficult for some people.” That’s true for Sandra Redelinghuys, whose 26-year marriage ended last year. Having moved to Powell 14 years ago from her native South Africa for her husband’s career, Redelinghuys found herself lonely — working part time from home, without family nearby and two of her three sons out of the house. She struggles with the thought of no longer seeing her children for birthdays and holidays: Her two younger sons, who attend college in Texas, spent Christmas with their father in San Francisco, where he lives. “The dream I had of having the house where the kids come to visit with their grandkids, it’s all gone,” the 52-year-old said. “That’s very hard. .?.?. (The family) is now going to be split forever.” To stay busy, Redelinghuys spends more time with friends and took on a full-time finance-and-operations role with her employer, an information-technology consulting company — sometimes choosing to work until bedtime at 11 p.m. For other post-50 divorced people, though, career options have dwindled, making the recovery from divorce even more difficult. Powell resident Lori Fox stayed home with her three children for 15 years before divorcing in 2008. Awarded no assets beyond child support, she quickly slipped from an affluent lifestyle to one dependent on food stamps. With only an outdated degree in interior design, she struggled to find work. After a two-year stint at Panera Bread, the 55-year-old works as an executive assistant for a trade association. At a time when she thought life would slow down, she can’t imagine saving enough money to retire and spend more time with her children.

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“If I was 30 years younger — 20 years younger, even — I would have so much more of a chance,” she said. “I’ll work either until I’m too sick to work or until I die.” Brown at Bowling Green expects the 50-and-older divorce trend to have a greater societal effect, with more single adults requiring care and financial support later in life. Her research, focusing on post-divorce relationships, suggests that more older divorced people choose not to remarry — but, like their younger counterparts, cohabit instead. Lampe, for one, isn’t looking for his next relationship. The upside of divorce has been rediscovering what he had lost during his marriage: friendships, hobbies, church involvement. He formed an informal divorce support group for men after completing DivorceCare, a 13-week program offered at several area churches, and thinks he has performed better in his job at Nationwide Insurance, where he is a brand strategist. Although he is open to the possibility of marrying again, he doesn’t see it as a necessity. “I’m completely happy remaining single for the rest of my life; I know that already,” he said. “ I’m a good father; I’m a good friend; I’m a good son; I’m a good brother. I don’t need a wife.”

asaunders@dispatch.com

@amyksaunders

dispatch.com - More couples splitting up after 25-year itch - The Columbus Dispatch

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