What is second wife syndrome?

Essentially, second wife syndrome when a second wife, or partner, of someone with kids feels marginalized, left out, and unimportant within the family dynamic.

theinclusivestepmom.com - The Biggest Second Wife Insecurities I Overcame in My Marriage

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In my early days as a stepmom, I carried so much guilt and shame over the struggles I had with feeling like I came second in so many ways, It wasn’t until I became a certified stepfamily coach and learned from both colleagues and my stepmom clients that t realized not only are these feelings normal, but they have a name! I have actually yet to come across a single stepmom who hasn’t grappled with second wife insecurities. So take a deep breath and let it out knowing you are not alone, my friend. My wife was never married to her ex (thanks to the equal rights for LGBTQ folks taking so long), but I can say with confidence that you can experience “second wife insecurities” and “second wife syndrome” even if: You and your partner are not married. Your partner was not married to the person they had kids with I’m just using these phrases because they are frequently used to refer to an experience so many of us have. Now that we have those semantics out of the way, let’s dig into the topic at hand.

What is Second Wife Syndrome?

Essentially, second wife syndrome when a second wife, or partner, of someone with kids feels marginalized, left out, and unimportant within the family dynamic. It can cause isolation, resentment, and a low sense of self-worth that can damage the mental and emotional health of a stepmom and spiral into deep divides and damaged relationships with a stepfamily. Seriously. I’d wager to say it’s a big reason the divorce rate for second marriages is so high. Second wife insecurities and second wife syndrome can manifest in many ways, but here are the top 5 I experienced in my relationship.

My Biggest Second Wife Insecurities

Not all of my firsts were my partner’s firsts.

From the first stomach bug I helped with to buying our first home together, to that restaurant I knew my wife had been to with her ex — I hated feeling like a new journey for me was a total retread of familiar territory for her. I constantly asked myself if she had more fun or felt more emotional or was more exciting about something the first time around than she was doing it a second time with me. So many days were clouded by my worry over the things that felt so special and potent for me were diluted for her.

I wondered if nostalgia was ever creeping in.

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I remember the first time I ever heard my wife tell someone else my stepdaughter’s birth story. It was so amazing hearing how she came into this world and getting to glimpse a piece of her as a baby, but it also triggered sudden and deep insecurities with me. The same thing happened every time I saw a baby picture, or any old video or family photo. I asked myself, “Were they happy then?” “Does she miss those days?” “Does she ever think things would be easier if they had just stayed together?”

I constantly compared myself to my partner’s ex.

This was less of a specific second wife insecurity, and more often as a second companion to my wife trying to help do things for my stepdaughter. Insecurity flared up over whether I wasn’t as good at doing the Barbie voices, or braiding hair, or making her favorite dinner the way she likes it. I kept showing up to compete in a contest that no one else had entered or decided to judge but me.

I frequently felt like an outsider.

This is embarrassing now. But I used to not even join my wife and stepdaughter on the couch for a movie night unless I was “invited.” I also felt sad and left out in the early days when they would have their bath, stories, snuggles bedtime routine and I wasn’t part of it. I was coming into an already established ritual and a strong bond that had been building since the first day of my stepdaughter’s life. Because of that, I didn’t feel sure or comfortable with my place in it.

How to deal with these second wife insecurities

The biggest factor in overcoming second wife insecurities is time — time to bond, time to heal, time to integrate, time to create relationships and build trust. But there are a few other things that helped me along the way: Creating new firsts. Honoring the past becomes a lot easier when you are intentional about creating your future. Look at the life you’re forming together, not the one they left behind. Learning from my partner’s experience. I like to think I’m getting partner 2.0 in my relationship. Your partner (hopefully) learned valuable lessons through their first marriage or relationship. Take advantage of that. Building my confidence. Stop trying to figure out what you don’t do as well as someone else, and start learning into your own strengths. Owning my role and finding my stepmom footing. The safer and more secure you feel in your own skin as a stepmom, the less vulnerable you are to feeling like there’s something you should be doing differently. One of the best things about being a stepmom is that you get to create a role that looks the way you want it to.

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If you’re struggling with second wife insecurities and need some deeper support to find your confidence, my coaching door is always open! Just remember, your feelings are valid and you are NEVER alone.

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theinclusivestepmom.com - The Biggest Second Wife Insecurities I Overcame in My Marriage

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