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What is a toxic BFF?

A toxic friendship often feels exhausting, frustrating, and disappointing. It may seem as if the entire dynamic is one-sided. It may also seem like whatever you give just isn't good enough. Toxic friends may be pessimistic, hurtful, or manipulative within the relationship.

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What Is a Toxic Friend?

In a healthy friendship, both friends tend to respect and support one another mutually. There’s an inherent sense of trust within the relationship. In most cases, both people seek to be loving and generous with their time and resources. Toxic friends, however, often present as selfish and challenging. They may struggle with healthy communication and become aggressive, passive-aggressive, or dismissive when they don’t get what they want. They may also depend on you for validation or comfort, exhibiting a range of attention-seeking behaviors. Everyone has their moments, but toxic friends tend to stir drama and cause problems on a regular basis. If you constantly feel annoyed, disrespected, or guilty when spending time with a certain friend, those feelings may be key indicators of an unhealthy dynamic and a fake friend.

13 Signs of a Toxic Friend

No two toxic friendships look identical, but similarities do exist within these dynamics. Most of the time, toxic friendships result in chronic negative feelings. As a result, you may find yourself making excuses to avoid spending time with your friend. You may also feel guilty if they don’t have other forms of emotional support.

Here are 13 key signs that your friend is toxic:

1. They Tease or Insult You Regularly

Friends should lift each other up. While the occasional joke may be harmless, chronic put-downs are a red flag. You shouldn’t feel like you’re being consistently criticized in a friendship. The next time your friend insults you, let them know it hurts your feelings. A genuine friend will apologize and stop the behavior. A toxic friend will likely accuse you of being sensitive, insist you’re overreacting, or keep emphasizing that it’s just a joke.

2. They Want All Your Attention (On-Demand)

No one friend can fulfill every emotional need. But a toxic friend may try to convince you that you’re the only person in the world who can understand them best.

They may try to seek your attention by:

Texting, calling, or reaching out to you incessantly.

Feigning crises or exaggerating other life issues to obtain your support.

Insisting that nobody else relates to them.

Lavishly praising and boasting about how wonderful and helpful you are (to reinforce the behavior).

3. They Make Themselves the Perpetual Victim

No matter what, it seems like the world is out to get them. Nothing can go right, at least in their opinion. Toxic friends often seem like they’re always in a crisis. But even if the problems are real, they rarely take any initiative to control their reactions or improve the situation. As a result, they often present as helpless and needy, making you feel concerned, frustrated, or even resentful. 4. They Peer Pressure You Into Doing Things You Don’t Want To Do Peer pressure isn’t exclusive to teenagers. Unfortunately, most of us have succumbed to peer pressure to be accepted and fit in with others.1 But toxic friends often thrive on influencing others to stoop down to their level. For example, if they struggle with drinking, they may encourage you to order more drinks at Happy Hour. Or, if they keep hopping from relationship to relationship, they may subtly dig at you for staying in your long-term relationship.

5. They Disrespect Your Boundaries

Boundaries can be challenging in any relationship, but supportive friends will work hard to understand and respect your limits. Toxic friends, however, often believe they’re exempt from your boundaries, especially when they need your support. As a result, you may feel conflicted about setting boundaries. You may feel like you’re the bad guy for creating such rules. And, you also may feel frustrated with yourself when you can’t implement your intentions.

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6. They Are Jealous of Your Other Friends

A toxic friend will feel jealous and frustrated by the other people in your life. After all, they want to know they’re the most important, trusted person! Subsequently, they may insult your friends. For example, if you vent to them about another person, they may try to convince you how you’re so much better off without them. In extreme cases, they may go behind your back and lie or smear you to others to sever your reputation.

7. You Give Way More Than You Receive

No relationship is truly 50/50. But if it seems like you’re always the one giving your time, money, or other resources, you probably have a toxic friendship. Your friend may be taking advantage of your generosity instead of reflecting on how they can contribute to the relationship. As a result, they may assume that it’s no problem for you. Furthermore, they may also believe they’re simply entitled to have what they want- even if it’s at someone else’s expense.

8. You Love When Your Plans Get Cancelled

If you feel more relief than sadness when you can’t spend time with your friend, that’s a cause for concern. But, generally speaking, you should want to connect with your friends! If you find yourself dreading upcoming events- or if you keep making excuses as to why you can’t attend- it’s probably a critical indicator that you’re growing weary of the friendship.

9. You Often Withhold Telling Them Your Real Truth

If you’re in a toxic friendship, you might already be pulling back without realizing it. Typically, this happens when you don’t feel safe with another person. If that’s the case, you will keep your guard up and avoid sharing anything that can be used against you. Of course, this pattern can be frustrating. The toxic friend may not even notice, but they will continue using that time to talk or focus on themselves.

10. You Keep Lying or Covering for Them

Maybe other people have raised concerns about your friend’s problematic behavior. Perhaps they have pulled you aside to express their worry or anger about a certain situation. If your knee-jerk response is to defend or minimize their actions, pay attention. You may be enabling their toxic patterns without really knowing it.

11. You Feel Trapped or Obligated to Be Their Friend

Some toxic friends use emotional abuse tactics to maintain their relationships. Emotionally abusive relationships often feel chaotic and frightening.

Some common signs of chronic emotional abuse in friendships include:2

Making jokes or threats about hurting themselves if you weren’t around.

Putting you down often (and then making you believe you’re overreacting).

Acting differently when you two are in public versus in private.

Consistently shifting the blame to make it seem like you have the problem.

Testing your loyalty and devotion often

Genuine friends are happy for one another. They revel and celebrate each other’s successes. Even if some jealousy emerges, it typically coincides with feeling happy, proud, and excited for your friend’s good fortune. But toxic friends tend to make it seem like everything is a game. This is especially true if your toxic friend is your coworker. They present as wanting to win, and they will likely put you down (either directly or subtly) when you obtain something they want.3

13. You Feel Completely Drained

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How are your other relationships right now? Do you feel emotionally exhausted? Do you feel like you have nothing left to give? You may be experiencing a sense of relationship burnout. Toxic friendships can undoubtedly take a toll on your well-being. Because you spend so much time trying to please them (or read their mind), it can take away from other important relationships or activities.

Impacts of Toxic Relationships

Toxic friendships often feel confusing and cumbersome. You may seem like you’re putting in tremendous effort without any of it paying off. You might also be resentful towards your friend, yourself, or others. But ending the friendship may also seem scary, especially if you’re worried about how your friend will react.

Impacts of a toxic friendship include:

Increased anxiety or stress about your friendship.

Withdrawing from other friendships or activities.

Constantly trying to “guess” what your friend needs.

Sleep, appetite, or other bodily disruptions.

Exacerbated mental health issues.

Options for Toxic Friendships

Improving a toxic relationship isn’t easy, and it typically results in two choices. You can either try to fix the dynamic or end it. There isn’t a right or wrong way to proceed, but many people often try the first option before cutting ties. Keep in mind that doing nothing will likely make the problem worse.

Fix It

First, focus on what you can control. Then, reflect on your usual reactions to your friend. Are there any new boundaries you need to enforce? Are you speaking up for yourself when you feel hurt? Have you had a conversation about how your friendship makes you feel? Taking these steps- and seeing how your friend responds- can give you needed information about whether you want to try to repair your dynamic.4

Leave It

Research shows that most friendships end. You have every right to end a toxic relationship. You don’t owe your toxic friend an explanation, although you may wish to give them one. If you opt to end the relationship, consider taking a no-contact approach. Delete them off social media. Stop responding to any calls or texts. No matter the circumstance, avoid engaging in any communication.

Can Therapy Help?

Individual therapy can provide a supportive environment for discussing and processing your toxic friendship. It can also offer practical solutions for setting boundaries and honoring your needs and desires in relationships. Consider finding a therapist with experience in treating emotional abuse. You can start browsing potential candidates using a trusted directory. Keep in mind that it may take some time to feel comfortable and safe with your therapist- the right professional will respect your process and honor whatever is needed to build initial rapport.

Final Thoughts on Toxic Friendships

Healthy friendships can support your well-being and boost your emotional health. This rule applies across the lifespan.5 However, toxic friendships may cause an opposite effect- these friendships often feel frustrating and shameful. It’s important to avoid blaming yourself- chances are, you simply care about others and want to be a good friend! Speaking to other trusted friends- or reaching out to a therapist- can help you understand your feelings and make a sustainable plan for change.

choosingtherapy.com - Toxic Friends: 13 Signs of a Toxic Friendship - Choosing Therapy

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