What is a mini wife?

Mini wife syndrome (or mini husband syndrome) is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: your stepkid acts more like your partner's spouse than their child. Cool, another weird and confusing plot twist in your stepparenting journey!

blendedfamilyfrappe.com - Mini Wife Syndrome: WTF is it and is there a cure?

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Mini Wife Syndrome: WTF is it and is there a cure?

Feeling like an outsider is pretty normal for stepparents, especially if you're in the earlier stages of blending your family. But sometimes the reason we feel like outsiders has an awful lot to do with the fact that someone else is already standing in the space where we thought we were gonna stand...and that someone sure looks an awful lot like our very own stepkid! A stepkid who's calling all the shots, positioning themselves (sometimes quite literally) in between you and your partner, and generally acting like they're your partner's partner, not you.

Welcome to mini wife syndrome! 🤮

Mini wife syndrome (or mini husband syndrome) is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: your stepkid acts more like your partner's spouse than their child. Cool, another weird and confusing plot twist in your stepparenting journey! How the heck do we navigate becoming a stepparent to a kid who seems to think they're in charge of the whole world?

So what exactly is mini wife/mini husband syndrome?

Mini wife/mini husband syndrome is the gross cocktail that brews right where the Venn diagram circles of "guilt-based parenting" and "insecure and/or entitled child of divorce" overlap. The definition of mini wife syndrome (or mini husband syndrome) is when your partner's kid thinks they're running the show... and your partner does not correct them on that! Mini wife/mini husband syndrome isn't exactly spousification, nor is it quite codependency— although it does include elements of both. And despite the name, mini wife syndrome is not limited only to dads and daughters. Like every other aspect of stepparenting, the default terminology is aimed at stepmoms, but stepdads can experience mini wife/mini husband syndrome too. This dynamic can pop up between sons and fathers, or between daughters and mothers. And same sex stepcouples aren't exempt, either. Mini wife/mini husband syndrome isn’t all that uncommon, but it's a real pain in the ass to cure.

Signs of mini wife/mini husband syndrome

Most stepkids are gonna be somewhat possessive of their parent, and most will also have some degree of jealousy and uncertainty about a new(ish) stepparent, especially in those earliest stepfamily years. It's also normal for kids to act a whole lot like their parent— sometimes your stepkid will remind you too much of the ex, for example. However, there are several indicators that these otherwise standard behaviors and mixed feelings have crossed over the line into the potentially toxic dynamic of mini wife/mini husband syndrome.

Some signs that your stepkid has mini wife/mini husband syndrome include:

Sense of entitlement that they should always take first place in their parent's life

Constant attention-seeking behavior to maintain that position

Control-seeking behavior, such as creating their own household rules

Engages in "flirty" behavior with parent, like fawning or excessive baby talk

Competitive with stepparent, including competing for physical affection

Using physical affection to monopolize parent, such as constantly clinging to and climbing on them

Expectation of being included in adult decision-making

Expectation that their opinions & preferences should carry the same weight as adults in the household Assuming spouse-like roles within the household, such as helping their parent get ready for work in the morning or taking on a parenting role with a younger sibling

"Parenting" their actual parent— telling them what to do or not do

Making 1-on-1 plans with their parent that deliberately exclude the stepparent

I remember the bad ol' days of yore when my SD would physically push herself between me and her dad, or climb up on Dan's lap when I was already there, forcing me off. She'd interrupt every conversation between us, including our phone calls. She'd hold both his hands on walks and hikes so he couldn't hold one of mine. She continually cornered her dad into a position where he'd have to choose between me and her... and all while I was doing my best to prevent putting him in that position. Dan didn't notice any of this behavior. I did, but I figured it was normal and would die down after a bit. Nope! No matter how slow Dan & I took our relationship, no matter how much time I made sure to give him and his daughter 1-on-1 together, my stepdaughter's mini wife tendencies only got worse. And while I was totally willing to step aside for her like 90% of the time, I wasn’t willing to step aside 100% of the time. Boy did that 10% become a real problem.

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We did cure my stepdaughter's mini wife symptoms over time, although it was a slow process. First, I had to get Dan to notice that her behavior had become problematic for all of us— this was a huge challenge. Then the next obstacle was getting him to do something about it. When Dan first started trying to correct his daughter's mini wife attitude, she'd play dumb, bat her eyelashes at him, giggle in a baby voice, and pretend like she didn't know what he was talking about— all while glaring daggers at me behind his back. With time and patience though, we did manage to cure the worst of her mini wife symptoms. Not that we didn't face other challenges, of course, but at least this one fell by the wayside finally. And thankfully! Because ew.

What causes mini wife/mini husband syndrome?

The answer to what causes mini wife/mini husband syndrome is a complicated one, because this unhealthy dynamic ties in with so many equally complex emotional issues: divorce guilt and guilt-based parenting, parentification, and even concern over potential custody repercussions if your kid doesn't "like" you enough. (This last one is the product of co-parenting with a high-conflict ex, and might not apply to everyone.) Mini wife/mini husband syndrome can also have its roots in unhealthy spousification that's happening at the other house and spilling on over into yours. You may notice that the symptoms of mini wife/mini husband are worse in your stepkid right after they transition back from their other parent, for example. While I don't personally feel that mini wife/mini husband syndrome is quite the same thing as parentification, I wouldn't say they're unrelated either. My stepdaughter's mother putting her in the position of emotional caretaker and co-decision maker led my stepdaughter to believe that was her rightful place— not only at her mom's house, but with her dad too. So it was very natural for her to adopt that attitude with her dad— she was used to it. She expected it. She liked feeling important and in charge. What kid wouldn't?? Especially a kid who feels so powerless amid all the chaos associated with divorce and co-parenting.

How to cure mini wife/mini husband syndrome

So how do we fix the irritating symptoms of mini wife/mini husband syndrome? Or are we stepparents doomed to come in second place forever? Good news: there ARE healthy ways to cure a mini wife or mini husband. This is a solvable problem— as long as your partner is on board— even if the solution takes time. The fix for mini wife/mini husband syndrome is the same as the fix for juuust about every other stepparenting problem: Your partner needs to acknowledge that there's a problem Your partner then needs to parent For mini wife/mini husband complex specifically, stepparents can help by educating partners about the negative impact of parentifying their children— even inadvertent parentification. Kids are not equipped to be their parents' emotional caretakers, and putting them into that role will have lifelong repercussions on their emotional health and well-being as well as that of their own future relationships. If you need help explaining this to your partner in a way that doesn’t make them want to shoot the messenger (aka you), Dan & I created a guide to help take the pressure off: How to Actually Blend: The Missing Instruction Manual for Stepcouples. We talk about the importance of parenting kids post-divorce, as well as the appropriate hierarchy in a stepfamily— as in, your relationship needs to come first. And hearing us say it instead of you might help that message get through a little bit better.🤞🏼

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However! While your partner does need to step up if you hope to cure your stepkid of mini wife/mini husband syndrome, stepparents are not totally powerless. There are plenty of actions stepparents can take to deal with mini wife/mini husband syndrome themselves:

Give parent and kiddo plenty of time alone together

Suggest aloud in front of parent and kiddo that they spend time alone together — this helps neutralize the idea of you as a threat Let your stepkid see that you and your partner value your own 1-on-1 time together — this helps your stepkid understand that you're an important part of your partner's life too Plan regular date nights to help your partner shift out of parent mode and into romantical mode Spend 1-on-1 time together with your stepkid— the more they get to know the real you, the harder it becomes to keep thinking of you as the villain in their story Make sure you schedule plenty of family time together too— help your stepkid see they have a whole new family to love them besides just their parent Don't indulge in attention-seeking behavior— calmly redirect instead ("Can you try asking again without baby talk?") Respectfully shut down control-seeking behavior and redirect: "I appreciate your concerns but we are the adults and this is an adult decision." Act completely unbothered— a kid acting like a mini spouse is a power trip, and the only way to win is to refuse to play Disengage— the less you intervene, the more your partner will start to see what's happening Don't take the bait when your stepkid tries to make everything into a competition— this is not a competition, because you are not equals competing for the same role in your partner's life Ignore jealous behavior— again, this is not a competition; they are the child and you are the adult romantic partner You will almost for sure have to repeat these steps approximately eleventy bajillion times before you start seeing them pay off. The most effective cure for a mini wife/mini husband stepkid is BALANCE. Yes, kids need to be 100% confident that love for a new partner won’t take away any love from them. Yes, kids need constant reassurance of their importance in their parent’s life and that their bond is unbreakable. At the same time, your partner needs to very clearly and deliberately make room for you, because you too are important and a priority! And your partner needs to make sure that your stepkids know that.

blendedfamilyfrappe.com - Mini Wife Syndrome: WTF is it and is there a cure?

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