Soulmate Gem
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People are motivated to seek revenge — to harm someone who has harmed them — when they feel attacked, mistreated or socially rejected. Getting an eye for an eye, Old Testament-style, is thought to bring a sense of catharsis and closure.
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Read More »Revenge may provide a lift, but the positive effects appear to be fleeting, according to new research by Chester that has not yet been published. “Revenge can feel really good in the moment,” he says, “but when we follow up with people five minutes, 10 minutes and 45 minutes later, they actually report feeling worse than they did before they sought revenge.” Seeking revenge can backfire — but not for the reasons you may think. University of Virginia psychology professor Timothy Wilson and colleagues conducted a study in 2008 on the "paradoxical consequences" of revenge. Study participants played an investment game where they were told that they could earn money if they all cooperated but that if one player betrayed the group, that person would earn more and the other players would earn less, an experimental construct known as the “free-rider paradigm.” Researchers staged the game so that players were double-crossed and some were given the chance to retaliate. When asked by researchers how they imagined they would feel after seeking revenge, the players predicted it would make them feel better. But when surveyed afterward, those who had retaliated reported feeling worse than players who didn’t get the opportunity to punish and so had “moved on.” Seeking revenge may remind us of the pain we experienced when we were wronged and can make an event appear even larger in our minds, Wilson theorizes. “By not retaliating, we’re able to find other ways of coping, like telling ourselves that it wasn’t such a big deal,” he says. Ruminating about getting even — stewing over what the person did to you and what you would like to do in return — can interfere with day-to-day well-being and happiness. "When someone persists in revenge fantasies, over time they can develop anxiety and remorse, as well as feelings of shame," says California-based psychotherapist Beverly Engel, who treats clients who have been abused and often struggle with vengeful thoughts. These feelings can also take up important cognitive resources, depleting you of time and energy that could be better spent on healthier, more constructive ways of dealing with anger, such as learning to accept the injustice, putting yourself in the other person's shoes or acknowledging that you, too, may have hurt someone in similar ways, says Engel, author of the book "It Wasn't Your Fault." Research suggests that when it comes to valuable relationships, "what the angry mind ultimately wants is a change of heart from the transgressor," McCullough says. He points to studies showing that when a victim receives an explanation and an apology, the desire for revenge weakens. (Other research suggests that doctors who apologize to patients when they have made a mistake may decrease their risk of a lawsuit.)
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