Soulmate Gem
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What does soul gazing mean?

Soul gazing is essentially a reciprocated invitation to be present with each other — not escaping, not hiding or averting, or blaming. Just sitting looking deeply into each other's eyes. It feels extraordinarily vulnerable and incredibly intimate.

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Soul Gazing

How we rekindled (and have sustained) intimacy after an affair

It’s been twenty-five years since my husband, Jay, and I learned to soul gaze. It is something we still practice every day. We first learned the technique at a introductory love and ecstasy workshop that we took after he had an affair. The affair had acted as a catalyst spurring me to question everything I thought I knew to be true about life, about us. After some initial soul searching, followed by couple’s therapy, where I had to acknowledge my own role in the breakdown of our relationship, we chose not to separate. Instead, we decided to dive deeper into our own selves and each other. We learned to meditate and began studying sacred sexuality together. We ended up taking a yearlong Love and Ecstasy Training with Margo Anand (Author of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy) that taught us and gave us ample opportunity to practice: different meditation and self-inquiry techniques, how to heal invisible wounds, how to be vulnerable with one another, how to be playful, how to let the other in, and how to communicate our wants and needs. But, even before we benefitted from all the trainings of that yearlong training, we took an initial introductory weekend workshop with Margo Anand and learned how to soul gaze. Soul gazing is not something we are typically trained to do in our society and when we first tried it, it felt uncomfortable, but tickled something inside. Soul gazing is essentially a reciprocated invitation to be present with each other — not escaping, not hiding or averting, or blaming. Just sitting looking deeply into each other’s eyes. It feels extraordinarily vulnerable and incredibly intimate.

At that initial workshop, as I sat across from this man, whom I had been married to for eleven years, I worried, What does he see in my eyes? Does he see my insecurities? My shame? Does he see righteous blame? Anger or sadness?

“Too invasive!” trilled my mind, but I kept looking and what I saw reflected in his eyes was a steady unwavering presence. What occurred to me then was that maybe we were after the same thing after all — we just hadn’t known how to go about finding it. For us, soul gazing, opened a door we didn’t even know was shut. More than the passion that typically fuels an intimate encounter, soul gazing encourages the couple to be still, to allow emotions to arise and pass away, while remaining simply present.

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I think of soul gazing as a portal to the present moment — a shared timeless moment where boundaries soften, stillness pervades. Soul gazing is essentially a concentration meditation with the eyes of your partner serving as the meditation object instead of the breath or mantra. It requires a little persistence to get the hang of. Even now, so many years later, when we relax opposite each other looking into each other’s eyes, at first an invisible veil separates us. His constricted pupils reflect swirling thoughts mirroring my own. Worry, past baggage, “to-do” lists clamor for my attention, but . . . then there is something more compelling. I feel the seduction of his gaze, lulling me like a soft kiss leaving me intrigued, curious. I soften my own gaze, relaxing, opening. I stop looking for anything — stop classifying and analyzing and receive him. I watch as his pupils widen slightly. I breathe deeper, nostrils flaring, letting in more of him, more of life. I let go of thinking and judging and allow connection. I focus on one of his eyes only and soften my own gaze, relaxing into my heart, vulnerable but open. I stop looking for anything — stop classifying, stop judging and simply receive him, love him. I watch as his pupils widen slightly. I breathe deeper, nostrils flaring, letting in more of him, more of life, letting go of thinking, resting in being, allowing connection. His gaze penetrates me in the same way a kiss becomes passionate and crosses boundaries, invades privacy, but is welcome. I feel our energies co-mingle as in an Alex Grey painting, an auric bubble of awareness encompassing not one soul but two. We sit gazing. Just being together, not doing. My peripheral vision begins to fade. His face morphs in shadows. Time stops.

Who is he? Who am I?

And then, he is me, and I him. In his eyes the whole universe is reflected and I feel that within myself too.

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