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What does arguing with a narcissist look like?

Those who live with narcissism may find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same time. As a result, things may get heated in an argument. You may experience insults, put-downs, and even mocking behaviors, like laughing as you express hurt.

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Do you find yourself caught in arguments with someone who uses narcissistic tactics? It helps to know what they might say and how to respond effectively. Arguing with someone who has narcissistic traits can leave you feeling hurt and confused. People on the narcissism spectrum — from those with narcissistic traits to those with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — may have an intense desire to win arguments, as it helps keep their ego intact. At times, it may seem as though they’ll accomplish this by any means necessary. As a result, there are many things people with narcissistic traits say in an argument to gain the upper hand. Talking to someone with narcissism can be a challenge. This article looks at some narcissistic argument techniques, why people use them, and ways to protect yourself. 1. They minimize your distress Researchers have found that those who live with NPD have limited self-awareness and a reduced ability to attune to others, which may explain why they don’t see their behaviors in the same light as you do. If you confront a narcissist about something hurtful, they may downplay what occurred or minimize the events that took place. This could sound like: “Relax, this isn’t a big deal.”

“I did that before and you didn’t care.”

“I didn’t think you would be upset over something so petty.” It can also sound like using softer language to make a behavior seem less hurtful. For example, stealing may become “borrowing your money without asking.” 2. Shifting the blame onto you Research shows that those who live with narcissism often carry an innate sense of victimhood, which is why they might shift the blame over to you, someone else, or another external factor they have little control over. Shifting blame and defensiveness can sound like: “It’s not my fault, it’s because of you/money/stress/work.”

“If you wouldn’t have done this, I wouldn’t have done that.”

“You knew what you were getting into; this is just the way that I am.” If you can’t spot what’s happening when someone plays the victim card, you may find yourself feeling bad and apologizing for a perceived slight.

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3. Gaslighting Studies suggest that those with narcissism aren’t as prone to guilt as others, which can make it difficult for them to take accountability for their actions. As a result, they may outright deny that they said or did something hurtful, a strategy called gaslighting, even in the face of proof. This can leave you doubting your own sense of reality. This can sound like: “I never said that.”

“That never happened.”

“Your evidence doesn’t prove anything.” Gaslighting isn’t always outright or overt. It can also take the form of diversionary tactics that confuse the other person or make it very difficult to address the issue at hand. 4. Ridiculing you Those who live with narcissism may find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same time. As a result, things may get heated in an argument. You may experience insults, put-downs, and even mocking behaviors, like laughing as you express hurt. Some examples include: “That’s stupid.”

“You’re so crazy.”

“There’s something wrong with you.”

5. Deflecting away from the argument When faced with indisputable proof (like receipts, photos, e-mails), someone with narcissistic traits may redirect attention back onto you as a distraction. Deflection can include: Indirect or non-answers: bringing unrelated details into the mix. bringing unrelated details into the mix. Prior arguments: bringing up old issues, particularly your prior “offenses.” bringing up old issues, particularly your prior “offenses.” Guilt-tripping: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” Projection: accusing you of exactly what they are doing.

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