What are the three A's in a relationship?

Deepak Chopra's Three “A”s. Why Attention, Appreciation and Affection are so important in a loving relationship. Neuroscience shows positive outcomes for couples.

therapyduo.com - The Importance of Attention, Appreciation & Affection

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Deepak Chopra’s Three “A”s

Art of Love

We’ve started listening to the online series Art of Love 2011 and highly recommend our email readers follow along while it’s still happening. A segment that really caught our attention was in the Kick-off Webinar, where the presenters speak with Deepak Chopra on his three important “A”s of relationships. We share these here as they’re all ones that arise as issues in our practice.

Attention

Attention means deep listening, being totally present, having empathy, trying to see from our partner’s perspective. It means we’re not in a hurry to give advice and react; not in a hurry to interrupt. Our body language actually shows we are deeply listening. Chopra reports that, according to neuroscientists, when we practice deep listening the amygdala of the person speaking and the hippocampus of the listener start to “cool down” (show less activity). The amygdala is the place in the brain where we process fear and anxiety. So we’re actually cooling down those primitive parts of the speaker’s brain just by listening attentively to them. We’re changing not only their brain activity but the actual structure of the brain, which depends on proteins being laid down and that requires gene modulation. We’re influencing the on-off switches of another person’s genes in their neurons by deep listening.

Appreciation

Appreciating our partner has a direct effect on their health and well-being. Recent interesting data from Gallop shows the following statistics: If a manager criticises his or her subordinates then disengagement grows to 25% and people who work for that manager get sick

If the manager ignores them, disengagement grows to 45%

But if a manager notices a single strength and appreciates that strength, disengagement falls to less than 1% and people stay healthy. (Aside from the disastrous effects on the couple relationship, which is our focus here, economically this is said to cost $280 billion to the U.S. economy.)

Affection

Affection is deep caring and knowing that we are there for the other person. In the language of neuroplasticity, we can say this kind of engagement in relationship rewires the brain in a direction where love actually becomes a healing force. It influences hormones, cell repair, homeostasis (biological self-regulation and self-repair).

Love Is a Powerful Healing

So it turns out that love is the most powerful healing that can happen. And this is so through a phenomenon called limbic resonance. When people are in love their brains are resonating, their hormones are resonating and they are healing each other and monitoring each other’s biology and moving each other in the direction of healing.

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Can you fall in love in just 3 weeks?

Case in point: An 2018 survey of 1,000 British men and women found that while more than half of them take over three months to say, "I love you," 32% of women and 29% of men say it in one to three months—and 10% of women and 14% of men say it in just one to four weeks.

mindbodygreen.com - How Long Does It Take To Fall In Love? What Research & Experts Say

One 2017 survey found 72% of men and 61% of women believe in love at first sight, and a 2004 study found about a third of Americans say they've personally experienced it. There's some science that backs up the concept: Some research suggests people decide within seconds whether they're romantically interested in someone, and neurologically speaking, it takes only one-fifth of a second for the neurochemical reaction associated with feelings of love to fire off. But other research discounts the theory. A 2017 study in the Personal Relationships journal orchestrated a bunch of first encounters between single strangers, and the researchers found feelings of instant attraction can indeed happen in a first encounter. Some people described these feelings as "love at first sight"—however, these people didn't report feelings of intimacy, passion, and commitment as part of their experience. The main predictor of a "love at first sight" experience was finding the other person physically attractive. In other words, romantic love usually cannot happen at first sight, psychologist and sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, explains to mbg. "There can be a strong attraction at first sight, but romantic love for someone requires knowing who they are, the fullness of their character."