What are the signs someone was raised by a narcissist?

Narcissists have an excessive need for praise and validation and have little regard for the feelings and needs of others. As parents, they are often emotionally unavailable, neglectful, and abusive. Their children often struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy relationships.

choosingtherapy.com - 10 Signs of Being Raised by Narcissists & Effects in Adulthood

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What Are the Characteristics of a Narcissistic Parent?

Narcissistic parents are often emotionally abusive to their children, holding them to impossible and constantly changing expectations. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are highly sensitive and defensive, and tend to lack self-awareness and empathy for other people, including their children.1,2 Narcissistic parents are often described as being unpredictable or “hot and cold,” making it hard for children to know what to expect.3,4,5,6 Narcissistic abuse is common, and can have lasting negative impacts on children that last into adulthood. According to W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., Social Psychologist, Professor at the Department of Psychology at the University of Georgia, “It can be very challenging to judge your own parents. In some situations the child can feel very special and cared for, if not fully loved. In other cases, narcissistic parents may be very abusive. Often this is a question for therapy in adulthood, but it can also be helpful talk to siblings or peers, or even friends of one’s parents to get a better idea of who they really are.”8

10 Signs You’ve Been Raised By a Narcissist

Narcissists can be hard to spot because they tend to put a lot of energy and effort into maintaining their reputation and appearing normal, but it’s especially difficult to recognize NPD in the people closest to us. Parents with NPD tend to be skilled at using narcissistic phrases that twist reality in ways that cause their children to doubt themselves and their perception, often portraying themselves as loving, concerned parents. While not everyone will have the same experience, here are ten signs that you were raised by a narcissist:

1. Their Love for You Was Conditional

One of the most common signs of being raised by narcissists is feeling unloved, and that it was your fault because you did or did not do something the right way.3,4 This is called “conditional love” because there are certain conditions that have to be met in order to receive it. Conditional love is common in abusive homes, and has devastating long-term effects on children. When the parent is narcissistic, the conditions for love usually revolve around the emotional needs and self-esteem of the parent. When the child makes the parent feel good about themselves, important, or special, narcissistic parents will often show love and affection towards their child. When the parent feels bad about themselves or the child did or did not do something expected of them, the parent may ignore them, be cruel to them, or even become abusive.3,4,5

2. Somehow, It Was Always About Them

People with NPD have a way of always making a situation about them. Their tendency to make things about them may have meant that you felt unheard, unseen, and invisible.4 Even during moments that were supposed to be about you (i.e. your birthday, graduation, etc.), your parent may have found a way to make themselves the center of attention. Dr. Amy Brunell, Professor of Psychology at Ohio State University states, “Because narcissists operate in an ‘all about me’ fashion, the world revolves around them, their needs and desires. They continue to be selfish and expect others, including their children, to cater to them. So, when their child does well, they take credit and brag about the child, and when the child struggles, they blame the child or others for it. They are controlling and they readily induce guilt in their children. They tend not to offer much by way of emotional support and validation, and the child quickly learns that the parent’s goals are important whereas their own goals are not. This is frequently because the parent is living their own lives through the child and the child’s accomplishments.”9

Some examples of how narcissistic parents make everything about themselves are:

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Conversations are always being about them instead of you

They took credit for your achievements

They created conflict or drama to draw attention to themselves

They made everything personal, even when it had nothing to do with them

They always needed to ‘one-up’ you when you achieved something

3. You Didn’t Know What Was Real & What You Imagined

Another sign you were raised by narcissists is experiencing self-doubt. Narcissists are often skilled at gaslighting, which is the abusive tactic of twisting and distorting the truth in ways that can make a person question and doubt reality.7 Over time, this causes children to doubt themselves and their reality, even making them wonder if they are imagining things or going crazy.

Some examples of narcissistic gaslighting include:7

Telling you that you are imagining or making things up

Accusing you of exaggerating the truth

Listing past times when they say you lied, imagined, or made something up

Twisting what you said or did or what happened

4. You Weren’t Allowed to State Your Feelings or Needs

If you felt like it wasn’t ok for you to tell your parent how you felt or what you wanted or needed growing up, it may be an indication that your parent has NPD. Children of narcissists learn early that the things they feel, want, and need don’t matter to their parent, and learn to keep these to themselves. Sometimes, children raised by narcissists struggle to even identify how they feel or what they want or need, as they’ve become so used to repressing these inner feelings, wants and needs. This can continue into adulthood, causing them to feel uncertain about who they are, what they like and don’t like, or to have a hard time making their own decisions.3,6

5. You Witnessed Their Victims

Narcissists don’t have the capacity to have healthy, mutual relationships where they attend to the feelings and needs of other people. This is why most narcissists have a pattern of unhealthy or broken relationships. Severe narcissists often have a long list of people who they used and then discarded when they were done with them.2 Even if your parent was able to maintain their relationships with other people, you probably witnessed times when they:

Talked poorly about other people

Overreacted to the slightest criticism

Became aggressive or passive-aggressive to others

Took advantage of or used people for their own needs

Became jealous or competitive of people who had something they didn’t

Guilted or manipulated other people to get what they wanted

6. You Worried (a Lot) About Displeasing Them

It’s normal for a child to want to please their parent, but if you had a parent with NPD, you might have lived in fear of displeasing your parent. Often, this fear came from seeing what happened to others who upset them and also experiencing it firsthand. Many children of parents with NPD go to great lengths to please their parents, with limited success. This is because what it takes to please their parent one day might change the next, meaning that children of narcissists often live in a state of constant stress and fear. The punishments you received might have also varied widely depending on what mood your parent was in, leaving you constantly guessing.5

7. Their Reputation Was Your Responsibility

Because narcissists are so dependent on the validation, recognition, and admiration of others, their children are expected to help them maintain a perfect appearance.3 As Dr. Campbell notes, “the child can become an extension of the narcissistic parents’ ego,” which often includes helping the parent maintain a certain image or reputation. Some of the ways you may have been expected to protect your parent’s image include:

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Being punished severely for embarrassing your parent

Being bullied about your own appearance, weight, or performance

Not being allowed to share certain details about them or their life with others Being treated like an ‘accessory’ to your parent for photo ops and public image

Being lectured about how your actions reflect poorly on them

Your parent wanting you to be successful enough to brag about, but not so successful that it triggered their jealousy or made them feel inferior to you

8. They Expected You to Always Agree With Them

Because narcissists have very fragile egos, having a different opinion, belief, or idea can be seen as a threat. Children of narcissists are often denied the right to have their own feelings, beliefs, or opinions, and also aren’t allowed to make their own choices.4 If your parent hated someone, you may have also been expected to hate that person too, or if they had an opinion, they needed you to second it. In times when you didn’t, you may have paid the price. Your parent may have become cold, cruel, or even abusive towards you for disagreeing with them.

9. They Were Hot & Cold

Because narcissists rely on other people for their validation, they are often just as skilled at reeling people in as they are at spitting them out. “Love bombing” is one of the common terms used to describe ways someone with NPD draws people close to them, and involves showing a lot of affection, care, and concern for someone to get close to them. Unfortunately, this often doesn’t last, and usually ends with either an anger outburst, the silent treatment, or another emotionally abusive form of punishment. If you had a parent with NPD, you have probably experienced both the love bombing and the emotional neglect or abuse that followed it. This may have confused you as a child, causing you to feel like if you “just tried harder” they would treat you better.

10. They Did No Wrong

At the core of NPD is a deep sense of shame and inadequacy, and most of the symptoms of the disorder function to protect the person from it. This includes their defenses of blaming other people, lashing out, denying their mistakes, and needing to maintain a perfect appearance. Unfortunately, this means that most parents with NPD will not admit that they did anything wrong, including not being willing to acknowledge some of their shortcomings as parents. If you had a narcissistic parent, you may have been blamed for many things that weren’t really your fault. If you ever tried to confront your parent about ways they mistreated you, you probably did not get the apology you wanted from them.

choosingtherapy.com - 10 Signs of Being Raised by Narcissists & Effects in Adulthood

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