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What are the 3 stages of narcissism?

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of highs and lows in which the narcissist confuses their partner through manipulation and calculated behaviors aimed at making their partner question themselves. The cycle has three specific phases: Idealization, devaluation, and rejection.

choosingtherapy.com - What is a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle & How Does It Work?

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What Is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?

Narcissistic abuse follows a specific cycle of idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Narcissists tend to deflect all their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own feelings. They too may have had narcissist caregivers or parents, or experienced some kind of abuse or traumatic event which shaped their upbringing. However, this is not an excuse for the emotional and physical abuse inflicted on their victims. Narcissists behave in certain ways because they are unlikely to consider their actions as problems. Until they are able to reflect on their own behaviors and feel their feelings, the narcissist will not change and their victims will feel worthless if they’re stuck in the cycle.1

Stage 1: Idealization

In the idealization phase, couples are new in the relationship and everything feels wonderful. The excitement of the newness of the relationship is alive and feelings of joy are overflowing. This is referred to as a honeymoon stage. In narcissistic abuse cycles, the honeymoon stage is referred to as idealization. The narcissist will put their partner on a pedestal and view them as someone who is perfect and can do no wrong. This can feel nice at first, however, it escalates quickly and becomes overpowering and overwhelming to the partner.2

The idealization phase may include these types of behaviors:

Love-bombing

A lot of attention given to partner

Grandiose gestures

Elaborate gifts and dates

Discussing marriage

Lack of boundaries

Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love

Quickly moving into intimacy

Creates a sense of ownership of partner and the relationship

Stage 2: Devaluation

After the honeymoon stage wears off, couples tend to form a routine that they can count on and which they establish together. Most couples during this phase grow deeper in their intimacy and learn problem-solving skills as they continue to develop the relationship. In narcissistic abuse cycles, this next stage is when the narcissist devalues their partner. Their partner suddenly falls off the pedestal and therefore is viewed as worthless. The narcissist begins to put their partner down, often using verbal or physical abuse, and they may use physical intimacy as a weapon. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner.2

The devaluation phase may include behaviors like:

Stage 3: Rejection

In a healthy relationship, disagreements and conflict are navigated with grace and patience, and both partners are capable of solving issues and moving forward together. In the rejection phase, the narcissist rejects their partner and places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner. The narcissist will discard their partner at this point and are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations from their partner. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and find another partner to begin this abuse cycle with.2

The rejection phase may include these types of behaviors:

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What is the greatest fear of a narcissist?

Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.

healthassured.org - Narcissists' Greatest Fear - Health Assured

Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear:For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention. To narcissists, ordinary people (i.e., nearly everybody around them) aren’t worthy of attention, so being ordinary would leave them unworthy of the spotlight and left to suffocate. Narcissists also need to feel special and superior to others. To a narcissist, being ordinary is the opposite of special. Deep down, people with narcissism are frightened, fragile people. Aging, defeat, illness or rejection can shake them to their foundation. Sam Vaknin, a self-admitted narcissist who writes about the topic, said that when he feels insulted or deprived of attention it is like “watching oneself die” or “disintegrating into molecules.” This is why narcissists are so intent on building and protecting their image. Without their shiny image they worry that others will see who they really are, warts and all, not who they wish to be or pretend to be. Excerpt from Psych Central, read the full article here

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