Photo: Trần Long

What are the 3 A's in a relationship?

Deepak Chopra's Three “A”s. Why Attention, Appreciation and Affection are so important in a loving relationship. Neuroscience shows positive outcomes for couples.

therapyduo.com - The Importance of Attention, Appreciation & Affection

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Deepak Chopra’s Three “A”s

Art of Love

We’ve started listening to the online series Art of Love 2011 and highly recommend our email readers follow along while it’s still happening. A segment that really caught our attention was in the Kick-off Webinar, where the presenters speak with Deepak Chopra on his three important “A”s of relationships. We share these here as they’re all ones that arise as issues in our practice.

Attention

Attention means deep listening, being totally present, having empathy, trying to see from our partner’s perspective. It means we’re not in a hurry to give advice and react; not in a hurry to interrupt. Our body language actually shows we are deeply listening. Chopra reports that, according to neuroscientists, when we practice deep listening the amygdala of the person speaking and the hippocampus of the listener start to “cool down” (show less activity). The amygdala is the place in the brain where we process fear and anxiety. So we’re actually cooling down those primitive parts of the speaker’s brain just by listening attentively to them. We’re changing not only their brain activity but the actual structure of the brain, which depends on proteins being laid down and that requires gene modulation. We’re influencing the on-off switches of another person’s genes in their neurons by deep listening.

Appreciation

Appreciating our partner has a direct effect on their health and well-being. Recent interesting data from Gallop shows the following statistics: If a manager criticises his or her subordinates then disengagement grows to 25% and people who work for that manager get sick

If the manager ignores them, disengagement grows to 45%

But if a manager notices a single strength and appreciates that strength, disengagement falls to less than 1% and people stay healthy. (Aside from the disastrous effects on the couple relationship, which is our focus here, economically this is said to cost $280 billion to the U.S. economy.)

Affection

Affection is deep caring and knowing that we are there for the other person. In the language of neuroplasticity, we can say this kind of engagement in relationship rewires the brain in a direction where love actually becomes a healing force. It influences hormones, cell repair, homeostasis (biological self-regulation and self-repair).

Love Is a Powerful Healing

So it turns out that love is the most powerful healing that can happen. And this is so through a phenomenon called limbic resonance. When people are in love their brains are resonating, their hormones are resonating and they are healing each other and monitoring each other’s biology and moving each other in the direction of healing.

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Are twin flames meant to last forever?

Twin flame relationships are thought to be the most intense relationships we can have in our lives—but they're not always meant to last. Sometimes, twin flames go through a separation period, and whether the separation ends up being permanent depends on that particular pair.

mindbodygreen.com - Twin Flame Separation: Why It Happens + How To Heal

While the separation may not be permanent, it is virtually always a time to focus on and prioritize your own growth and self-love. Nuñez says it's important for each person to focus on finding themselves and their own happiness—"because oftentimes our happiness is contingent upon being in a relationship or somebody else," she notes, when it shouldn't be. When that work is done, she adds, that's when twin flames can often rekindle because they're ready to approach the relationship in a new and stronger way. But this growth can't be fast-tracked, she adds, and that's when you really have to trust what's meant for you will be. "Know the universe isn't going to steer you wrong, and if you're truly meant to be, you'll go off and find your way back together again," she says. Focus on learning to be OK being by yourself, she suggests. Take yourself out on dates, learn to sit with your emotions, practice shadow work, and don't try to replace what you've lost by rushing into another relationship. Nuñez says this time is about finding your happiness. And remember, we can have platonic soul mates and other important relationships in our lives that also teach us important lessons and help us grow. The separation period is a good time to nourish those relationships, too.