Photo: Мария

Should you hug over or under?

When in doubt, one over one under. One note…do not hug someone from behind unless you have a history of hugging the person already.

gabeweiss.medium.com - Art of the Hug - Gabe Weiss

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Art of the Hug

The intro

I need to talk to you today about something very important. When done correctly, will improve your mood, and those around you. When done improperly, can get you fired, arrested, or cause trauma. I’ve been told I give excellent hugs over the years. No, not just by my Mom, although she has also said so. The thing about hugs, is that most folks don’t think about it. They just come in and squeeze. Sometimes too hard, sometimes too soft, sometimes just right. But generally, it’s kind of luck if you happen to get hugged well. I’m here to tell you, that a lot of thoughtfulness goes into a good hug. First. Please. If you take nothing else away from this post, take this away: Do NOT hug without consent. It can be wildly uncomfortable for some folks to be hugged unexpectedly. I find to be the best way to know if they’re open to getting a hug is a simple “Can I give you a hug” or “Are you a hugger (and can I give you a hug)?”. Note, that even asking can put someone in an awkward position. If you’re at work? Safe bet is just to not even ask. It’s probably not appropriate unless it’s someone that you’ve known for awhile, and have had some kind of discussion around this, preferably as part of a group.

The lean in

A saying we have at work about doing developer relations work is, meet the developers where they are. Means don’t make the developers come to you, go where they like to be, where they’re comfortable. Hugging is exactly like that. Understand the height dynamics first. If there’s a large disparity in height, don’t fight it. If you’re two feet shorter, unless you’re comfortable being picked up, don’t try to come in arms over. Accept it, come in arms under. Same the other way, if you’re seven feet tall, unless you know the other person is okay being picked up, you’re gonna be arms over. If you’re taller, you have some choices to make. If the difference isn’t too extreme, and they could clear your shoulder with their chin, then meet them where they’re at. But don’t bend over. Bend at the knees. If you bend over, then the angle will force their head back, sometimes uncomfortably. If it’s an extreme height difference, then your options are limited. Easiest is just embracing it, and let them hug you around the middle, and your arms go down over their shoulders pressing on their back. Shorter is the same problem. If you’re close enough that with some stretching you could make it work, then do it, but just know that unless your hug partner accommodates, your head will get bent back a bit which just affects how long you might want to be hugging comfortably. If you’re the same height, or close enough that one or the other can adjust down to match, arm position now comes into play. Both under? Both over? One each? The answer here lies in what kind of hug we’re talking about.

The style

There’s a ton of different scenarios where you might be hugging someone. Different interpersonal relationship, different emotions, etc. Are you hugging a beloved parent after not seeing them for a year? Hugging a coworker? A spouse or partner? Are you sad and needing some comfort? Happy to see someone after a long absence? Feeling frisky?

Each scenario will change the hug. Intensity of squeeze, length of hold, all these variables must take the situation into account. Hugging a coworker for too long can get pretty awkward, and may lead to some unpleasant conversations with HR. Hugging someone in need of comfort for too short, and they are potentially left feeling worse than before the hug.

How you come in for a hug, ties into the style.

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The approach

So think about, what does the other person need from the hug. The answer might well just be “nothing” in which case, a nice quick, one arm over one arm under is gonna be fine. It’s more of the “Hello” of hugs. Other person is incredibly tired, needs someone to lean on for a moment? Maybe two arms under, lean back slightly to take their weight (not too far back, falling over while hugging can hurt). Let them drape themselves over you basically. Socially you have to hug them, but you really really don’t want to? Hands on the back of their shoulders and lean in real quick, get back out nice and quick. You’re the tired one? Raised shoulders and lift hands up in the air, and they’ll almost certainly come under so you can drape yourself on them.

When in doubt, one over one under.

One note…do not hug someone from behind unless you have a history of hugging the person already. It can be hugely triggering for some folks, and is the epitome of unsolicited contact as the receiver can’t even see you coming to ward you off if they wanted to.

The squeeze

Sometimes you just gotta hug your stuffed animal really hard

Okay, so remember at the beginning, where I said meet them where they are? This is not the game where you power handshake someone and try to out squeeze their squeeze. Pay attention to how hard they’re squeezing you, and match it, at least to start. You can communicate your needs by increasing or decreasing the pressure. Pay attention though, a lessening of pressure may well mean they’re looking for an out. Unless you’re incredibly close friends with whomever you’re hugging, pay really close attention to that, so you let go appropriately. You really wanna creep someone out (not really, that’s sarcasm)? Don’t let go even after their arms drop….yeah…don’t do that.

The contact

This is a critical piece. This can quite literally make or break the hug. A full body hug, mechanically speaking, is so that you’re in contact with the other person from shoulders all the way down to their knees. This can be incredibly intimate, not from a sexual standpoint, although it can be that as well, but from a connection way. If you haven’t established a strong connection already with someone, it’s probably a bad idea to come right in for a full body hug. It’s going to send a very strong signal to the other person, which may be inappropriate, uncomfortable, or overly friendly. If that’s the signal you WANT to give, by all means, but it’s something to think about. I’m rabidly anti the lean way forward so you’re only touching along your collarbones. It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and bends the neck funny. Having said that, if you need to be hugging someone that you don’t want to hug for whatever reason, then do what you need to do to get out of the situation. My go-to for people I haven’t met before is aiming for contact down to the belly button. Nice solid human contact. That said, this is still a situation where you want to read your hug partner. You don’t want to try to impose (even accidentally) more contact than they’re comfortable with. I definitely have friends that go for the full hug experience, sometimes with a leg wrap (one leg hooks the other person around the hip/leg), sometimes with the jump into their arms. By the way, please don’t jump at someone unless they’re braced for it. Unless you’re going for the tackle hug, which is fine, but be aware of your surroundings and be sure there’s something soft they’ll land on. A word about hands. Where do you put them! Just because you’re hugging someone doesn’t mean you get to put your hands “where they naturally fall”. This is a biggie…You can ruin a perfectly good hug with a misplaced hand. Important safety tips:

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Be careful, if you’re hugging a woman who is very thin, and/or you have huge ape-like arms, if you wrap her all up tightly, your hands can, fairly easily, accidentally grab her inappropriately. Be aware of how far around your hands are wrapping. You can solve this by keeping your elbows a bit lower which will keep your hands at more of an angle on her back and thus don’t go as far around. If you have short arms, are very short (and they’re taller), or you’re hugging someone of significant girth, especially if you’re much shorter than your hug partner, be careful your hands don’t end up too low. Grabbing a butt is fun if you have previously discussed such things and everyone’s okay with it, but don’t do it unless they know it’s coming and are comfortable with it. Hands snuggled on the chest, in their hair, or on their neck is very intimate. As long as everyone’s on the same page about the type of hug we’re talking about, that’s fine. But again: CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT. Don’t be creepy.

Face…is right out. That’s just weird. Don’t do that.

Generally speaking, I tend to aim for palms in line with their shoulder blades (could be above or below depending on style and approach) which gives my hands enough reach that I can grip their sides a little bit without going too far and accidentally being inappropriate.

The focus

Okay, so here’s a super important part. When you hug someone, pay attention to them. Don’t think about anyone else in the room, don’t think about what’s happening at home or work. Pay…attention. One more time. Pay…attention. All the things I’ve talked about so far, reading the other person coming in for the hug, how much they’re squeezing mid-hug, changing pressure to indicate time to let go, etc. All that cannot be done, if you are not actively listening to them with your everything. They might be talking to you while hugging, so listen to what they’re saying. You have (hopefully) a bunch of physical contact points with their body, pay attention and listen with your own body to what that tells you. If they’re in the middle of some strong emotional moment, “listen” with your own emotion. Empathy, projecting support, woo woo, call it what you will, it’s important.

The wrap-up

Hugging isn’t for everyone. Some folks just don’t like being touched. For others (myself included) lack of human touch brings us down, and in severe cases can cause depression. I just have a better day when I have more human contact. I certainly haven’t covered every hug eventuality in this post, but hopefully the takeaway of “consent” and “listen” carry through to you when considering hugging someone. Having said that, find more people to hug. The world would be a better place if we were all connecting better, and hugging is one vehicle towards that end. Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter if you like. If you see me out and about, at a conference, on the street, whatever, I’m likely down for a good hug, just ask me first!

gabeweiss.medium.com - Art of the Hug - Gabe Weiss

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