Soulmate Gem
Soulmate Gem
Photo: Iurii Laimin
But that doesn't mean it's a bad idea to be honest. What it really comes down to is whether divulging your status would make you more or less nervous, and how much you trust your kissing partner. “If telling this person it's her first kiss allows her to get her guard down, then go for it,” Solomon says.
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Read More »Welcome to a special Kiss and Tell edition of Down to Find Out, a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com, or DM her on Twitter or Instagram. Q: I have never kissed anyone and I’m in my second year of college. I never tell friends or people I meet because I’m ashamed of it, I think. I have even said to some people that I had experience just to avoid an embarrassing conversation. So I have always wondered, when I meet the guy I eventually kiss, if I should be honest or not. I can’t help thinking that maybe he won’t be into it once he knows I’m behind. Also, how do you kiss to not disappoint a person that has experience? How do you see a kiss coming? —Teresa, 19 A: I’m going to tell you a secret: No matter how sexually confident, most people are secretly fretting about how they measure up to everyone else. They might doubt their know-how, skill, or experience; whatever the reason, many of your peers are likely feeling the same kind of anxiety you are. Particularly when you’re a teen, sexual discovery seldom follows a predictable or linear path. Instead, it unfolds in fits and starts, often amid a backdrop of crushing social expectations. I remember embellishing how “far” I’d gone when I was a young teen, and I almost definitely tried to impress a few older girls by telling them I had started my period when I hadn’t. (I didn’t regularly menstruate until I was 14.) When it comes to withholding the truth to save face, you’re hardly unusual: Nearly half of teens have fibbed about their sexual experiences. “Because sex is so complicated and tender, we tend to focused on ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts,’" says Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist who teaches a beloved class on relationships at Northwestern University. “We get concrete and numerical. There’s often shame and embarrassment whenever we perceive that we’re too far behind or ahead.” College students undoubtedly feel pressure to sexually explore, but there’s no reason to be ashamed of your unique sexual trajectory. Remind yourself, Solomon advises, that your kiss-free status is “simply a statement of fact, not a statement of worth.” It might also be comforting to know that, statistically, your situation isn’t wildly uncommon. “It’s true that by age 19, more teens have kissed someone than haven’t, but it’s completely normal either way,” says Eva Lefkowitz, a Professor of Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Connecticut. In her research on first kisses, she found that about 14% of 17 to 19 year olds had never kissed someone by their first semester of college. These older teens cite lots of reasons for delaying this milestone, like “focus on other things like school and extracurricular activities, feeling shy/inhibited, lack of interest, or lack of opportunity,” Lefkowitz says. No matter the reason for why you haven’t had a kiss, the biggest takeaway from Lefkowitz’s research is that there’s nothing wrong with the pace of your experience. Though it may seem everyone else is making out all the time, that may not be the case.
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Read More »Confidently tell her you'd like to kiss her. "I want to kiss you right now." Unless she says "no," move in slowly after you say it. "I'd love a kiss before I go." "Let's kiss." "Write her a note saying "kiss me?" or "I want to kiss you," if you think she'd like the cute, romantic gesture. Then move in wordlessly.
This article was co-authored by Connell Barrett . Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation, his own relationship consulting business founded in 2017 and based out of New York City. Connell advises clients based on his A.C.E. Dating System: Authenticity, Clarity, and Expressiveness. He is also a dating coach with the dating app The League. His work has been featured in Cosmopolitan, The Oprah Magazine, and Today. This article has been viewed 737,112 times.
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