Platonic flirting is flirting with a platonic friend, with no intention of romance, and no desire for sex. You might find yourself giving your platonic friend compliments, touching their arm, or giggling with them. It's completely normal, and harmless, as long as both parties feel comfortable.
”We all need some companionship, and having a good friend can allow us to be there for one another. Too often the challenge is not a lack of friends, but rather a lack of comfort in becoming close and trusting the friend. Challenging yourself to do this can allow each of you to build trust and support each other more deeply.” - Nicholas DeFazio, MRC, LPCC-S, LICDC
Want to Learn More About Platonic Friendships? Ask A Board-Certified Relationship Therapist Online Today.
Platonic friendships can be complicated. At their very worst, you might end up caught in a jealous, frustrating relationship. But at their very best, platonic relationships can enrich your life in countless ways.
The boundaries often get blurred in platonic friendships, and that can lead to hurt feelings or even a broken heart. That’s why it’s so important to know what a platonic friendship is, and how to treat your platonic friends with respect. Once you understand your platonic friendship, you can get the most out of the relationship and learn how to truly enjoy each other’s company, even without a romantic element. Platonic friendships are important in life. And it’s even more important to understand them. In this article, we have the answers you’re looking for. What Is A Platonic Friendship? A platonic friendship is a close friendship between two people who are not dating or having sex. If the friendship moves beyond “just friends” then it is no longer platonic. There could be sexual tension between platonic friends, and one or both of them might have more sexual feelings of love and attraction, but they have not yet acted on it. A platonic friendship can be very close and very meaningful, but it is not representative and not friends with benefits. You might love this person in the same way you love a brother or sister. Sometimes platonic friendships evolve into relationships, but sometimes you only remain strictly friends. Platonic friendships could be between representatives of the same sex or representatives of different sex, but people often feel the need to clarify that they are “strictly platonic” when there would be some potential for a more sexual relationship, such as a friendship between two gay men, two gay women, or a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. What A Platonic Friendship Isn't If you kiss, or do anything more, then you are no longer strictly platonic friends, and you may be moving into friends with benefits or relationship territory. You might have secret feelings for a platonic friend, but if they have expressed that they think you work better as friends, and you truly respect them as a platonic friend and not just a potential sexual partner, then you will honor his or her wishes and not try to pressure them into being something more. Relationships change and evolve over time. You can be platonic friends with someone, then become a couple, then become platonic friends again! These are all parts of the cycles of life, and people will serve different purposes in your life at different times. So long as you maintain respect and communication, you don’t need to worry or pressure yourself. A platonic friendship, and all friendships, should be based on love and respect for another person, and that means respecting what they want and what they don’t want. The Benefits Of A Platonic Friendship There are many good things about a platonic friendship, and here is a list of some reasons why you should consider a platonic friendship. Because They're A Friend
What is life without our closest friends? A friend is someone to understand you, keep you company, and make you laugh. Sometimes your friendships become so close that your friends are more like family. The quote "I love my friends. They're my family" is the best way to describe true friendship. Sometimes, societally, we overhype romantic relationships, as if having a boyfriend or girlfriend as a life partner is the most important thing in the world. If you have a close platonic friend, don’t let that societal pressure distract you. A platonic friendship can enhance the quality of your life, challenge your perspective, and make you feel loved and supported, all without sex getting involved. Maybe someday you and your platonic friend will move on to become more than friends. Some of the best romantic relationships start as friendships. But if that never happens, don’t be disappointed! A strong friendship is never a reason to feel disheartened. If you really admire and care for this person, then you will find that a friendship with them will be worth maintaining, even in the long run. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, friendship is a reason to celebrate. So what does a healthy friendship look like? A healthy, positive friendship means… You respect each other’s opinions, even when you disagree,
You build each other up and compliment the best qualities in each other, rather than tearing each other down,
You are present both in the good times and the bad, and a friend is there for you, even if it is just to listen quietly,
You make each other laugh, and a similar sense of humor and outlook on life,
You can talk openly without feeling judged or embarrassed,
You make an effort to stay in touch with each other, even in spite of distance or busy lifestyles,
You value each other’s opinions, and seek each other out for advice,
You’re open to being vulnerable and honest with each other,
You love each other, and you would feel a gap if this person were not your loyal companion. Some people say that when you find a great friend, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. That means that together, you are each better people than you are when you are separate. A great friend adds value to your life, is loyal to you, and supports you in times of need. As you can see, there are many benefits to a platonic friendship, regardless or whether or not you become romantic partners! You can have all these benefits with someone, even if they are of the opposite sex, or of the gender that you are primarily attracted to. Improved Communication Skills The dating process can put a lot of pressure on people. You may always be nervous about what will happen and when, if there will be another date, if you are coming on too strong, or if you are moving too slow. Because you usually start dating someone who you don’t know too well yet, then there could be a lot of conflicting interests and miscommunication. But friendship can be a great way to get to know someone without all the added pressure of dating. Because you know you are strictly friends, you might be willing to open up about things that you would not tell a potential sexual partner. You may be able to talk more openly and get to know one another’s vulnerabilities. A big part of love is accepting the messy parts of another person, not just their best version. And yet, sometimes we’re afraid to show our true selves in a new relationship. But with our friends, it’s easy to be more silly, vulnerable, goofy, and even weak sometimes. In that way, friends get to fall in love with the real you. It Can Teach You About The Opposite Sex People are different, but many groups may similar ways of thinking, and having a friend in that group can give you some insight as to how they behave and what you can expect. Of course, this primarily applies to heterosexual couples, because to be in a homosexual relationship, the opposite sex doesn’t need to be involved. Often in heterosexual relationships, there may be differences in gender that we don’t learn about growing up in health class. Having a platonic friend of the opposite gender might help you gain respect for the opposite gender, and humanize them. Often in the media, the opposite sex is represented as very different from us. But having a platonic friend of the opposite sex will show you that those differences are not so great at all. A friend of the opposite sex might also be able to offer insight that you wouldn’t otherwise get. For example, let’s say you have a mutual friend who you think is attractive, and you would like to get to know her better. If you approach her and ask about her feelings, it might be intimidating. But if you ask your platonic friend to talk to her and find out how she feels, she might be more open about her feelings. If someone has a healthy platonic friendship, it is difficult to justify feelings of sexism, even more than if that person were your romantic partner. When you really get to know someone in a platonic way, you see the opposite sex as a more than just a sex object, or potential romantic partners. You get to know them as people, with complex and varied feelings, emotions, and desires. You will always have to form and maintain relationships with the opposite sex, whether it’s in the office, at school, in a more personal or professional capacity. For that reason, it is best to learn early on how to foster a positive relationship with the opposite sex, even when sex is not involved. This will help you in your professional life and in life in general. You Can Mutually Support One Another The greatest benefit of a strong friendship is consistent support from another person. It is more common to see romantic partners represented in the media and in our lives as our life’s greatest source of support, but it does not need to be that way. You could live with a community of platonic friends and the same benefits that a romantic relationship would give you. You can care for each other in times of illness or familial strife. You can help each other financially if one of you loses a job or has a problem with debts. Storms always come along in life, that’s for sure, so it is very healthy to have people you can depend on. But even when there is no storm, a friend is there to celebrate with you as well. On the days you have an important game, performance, exam, or something of that nature, your friend will be in the first row to cheer you on, even if they have a crazy schedule. Having a healthy platonic friendship could be very beneficial for your mental health, because you have someone you feel comfortable talking to about many aspects of your life. If your emotional and supportive needs aren’t being met in a friendship, you should consider if it is a toxic friendship - is your friend only there when things are good, or when they need you? Or are they there for you when you need them? Help You Identify Bad Relationship Habits When we are caught in a bad relationship, sometimes we are the last to know. It is easy to be manipulated in an unhealthy union, but your friends always notice from the outside. Especially if it is one of your first relationships, maybe you have convinced yourself or someone has convinced you that every representative of the opposite sex is a certain way. For example, if you have always had a jealous girlfriend, maybe you have concluded that women are jealous. But if you have a close, female platonic friend, she can explain to you that not all women follow those habits and maybe even go so far as to say that the amount of jealousy in your relationship is unhealthy. A friend is also sometimes more open with you than a lover, especially if you are in a new relationship. A friend will be quicker to call you out on behavior that is annoying or strange. If you notice that your relationships keep failing, you can ask an honest, close friend for their opinion on why they think it happens. And don’t be offended by their response! A true friend is there to help you improve, and offer insight that you might otherwise miss. Wingpeople Let’s say you are a woman at a bar with your closest male friend. From a distance you see a man who you find attractive. You don’t know if he’s funny, strange, or single. Really, you don’t know anything about him. But if you go up to him alone, you face the chance of being rejected, or worse, he could turn out to be a total creep. Not to mention, if you approach him, the pressure is immediately on, and both of you will probably put on false personalities to try to impress each other. You ask your best friend to talk to him first. He goes up to the guy and starts a casual conversation with him. He learns about this person in the context of friendship, without the pressure that immediately mounts as soon as you approach someone of the opposite sex in a bar. Your best friend comes back to you and reports that the guy is happily married, he is just out for a relaxing night with friends. Your guy friend just saved you an embarrassing experience of getting rejected by a stranger at the bar, and opened up your time to meet people who might actually be interested. What’s more is that, even if you aren’t interested in being with your platonic friend romantically, they can introduce you to their friends. They can vouch for your character and tells their friends how wonderful you are. Your platonic friend can get the phone numbers and contact information of men or women who you are interested in then pass that information along to you. Your platonic friend could invite all his or her friends to hang out with all your friends, and organize a low-pressure event where strangers can get to know each other. Sometimes approaching someone within the context of dating can be stressful. No one wants to be rejected, and no one wants to have to reject someone. Having a close friend of the opposite sex opens up a lot of possibilities, and can make dating a lot easier for everyone involved.
Want to Learn More About Platonic Friendships? Ask A Board-Certified Relationship Therapist Online Today. Trust Between Different Genders The truth is, when sex gets involved in a relationship, things can get very complicated. Maybe all your role models of the opposite sex have become estranged, or the relationship has otherwise become complex. If you keep a relationship strictly platonic, then you can get to know someone of the opposite sex who is consistent. Without more stressful feelings involved, you can build a solid friendship with someone who you can depend on, and you do not need to worry about a breakup suddenly getting in the way, like you might need to worry about with a relationship. In general, there is just less pressure, which allows the friendship to be more consistent over time. You don’t need to worry about fights with in-laws, or long-distance, or raising children in the same way that you would in a long-term relationship. Without these added complications, your friendship can show you what it really is to depend on someone of the opposite gender. You can rely on your platonic friend to be there for you through the good times and the bad. Learn Boundaries Friendship is all about respect. That means that if your friend wants to keep things platonic, you respect their wishes even if you do not feel the same way. When that person draws a line, or asks you to take a step back, you will do so, even when it hurts. You do not want to pressure someone, or ruin a great friendship. Your respect for the other person must always come first. Having a platonic friend comes with all sorts of implicit boundaries. Being platonic with someone means you do not cuddle in bed together, or kiss on the lips, or otherwise act like boyfriend and girlfriend. Especially if you have been drinking together, or if you both feel curious and alone, there will be times when it’s tempting to cross those boundaries. But you can only move forward if you have consent and a deep, genuine respect for one another. The key to any major move in your platonic friendship is communication. If you think things are moving towards friends with benefits, or toward a relationship, it is imperative that you ask the right questions and listen with patience and openness. Before making any drastic moves, ask your friend about his or her boundaries. Make sure they are comfortable. Find out what this will mean for your friendship. It may seem awkward or stunted in the moment, but you will be happy you paused and asked those questions later, when you are still able to maintain your healthy friendship. The Disadvantages There are many great things about platonic friendships, but there can be disadvantages too. Let's go through them for the sake of fairness. You Can Catch Feelings You are human, and so is your friend. It is normal to sometimes experience a sexual attraction to your friend, even if it is only due to the quantity of time you spend together. If you begin to notice feelings growing for the other person, start asking yourself about where those feelings are coming from and what to do next. Sometimes romantic feelings grow slowly over time as both people get to know each other better. This is perfectly healthy. This might happen because the more you got to know this person, the more you liked them. Or it might happen simply because you spend all your time together. Or maybe the romantic feelings are not that strong at all, but you work so well together that you decide to try something more. Romantic feelings can be scary, and it is important that you always respect the desires of the other person, and you respect your own wants as well. For example, you should never feel pressured into a romantic relationship with someone who you genuinely only view as a friend. You should always give people respect, but you do not owe sexual attraction to anyone. Romantic feelings could also grow because one or both people in the friendship never really wanted it to be platonic. Platonic relationships can lead to romantic ones, but it doesn’t happen all the time. Pop culture might lead us to believe that it happens more often than it does in reality - love songs and romcoms are not always based on real life! You should be sure that you don’t set out to find a platonic friendship if you actually want a relationship with that person. If one person is expecting a friendship, and the other is hoping for something more, then it is a recipe for some feelings getting hurt. With respect and consent, you can always take the next step in your relationship and move from platonic friends to lovers. But keep in mind that things will be different once you cross that bridge. Maybe one person is looking for friends with benefits, and the other person is looking for a committed relationship. Maybe you both really like each other, but a relationship just would not work for either of you right now due to where you are in life. Consider that hooking up with your platonic friend is like opening Pandora’s box: you can never close it again. After all, the definition of platonic is a friendship with no sexual desire or attraction. Once sexual feelings arise, whether or not it leads to a sexual relationship, it changes the relationship, and you can no longer call the friendship platonic. If your friend wants to keep things platonic, but you have fallen in love with them, then it might be time to get some space. Meet new people and mend your broken heart. It will be easiest to go back to being simply platonic friends once you have healed from heart break and you are interested in dating other people. Treat this almost like a breakup. Try a new workout routine, change up your interior decorating, learn to cook some new meals, and switch up your wardrobe. All these things will help you move on, find someone new, and come back to your platonic friend when you are ready to really just be friends. However, do not let fear of ruining a friendship deter you from something that could be really special romantically. Some say that once you have a relationship you can never go back to being “Just friends,” but that’s not necessarily the case. You could be platonic friends, try a relationship, realize it doesn’t work and break up, become strangers, then go back to being platonic friends! So long as there is consent, respect, and communication, the love does not need to go away. The same people might serve different purposes in your life at different points in time, and it’s no reason to fret or stress. It’s normal for feelings to arise when you spend a lot of time with one person, even if you thought it would never happen. The important thing is to keep your feelings in check, and to talk about them with your friend - being open and honest about what you’re both feeling will prevent the friendship from becoming awkward, and ensures that you both continue to feel comfortable with each other. Everyone Thinks You're Dating Due to societal norms and other societal influences, people may constantly believe that you’re dating. However, this mindset also might happen if you are crossing boundaries that you might not cross in other friendships. Perhaps you flirt more with this person, even if you’re not sexually attracted to them. Female friendships and male friendships can be very different from opposite-sex friendships, and so others might question your feelings and wonder if you’re in a romantic relationship. It’s important to set boundaries for your platonic relationship, being mindful of how you would behave in other friendships, and sticking to those boundaries. Jealousy May Occur If the two of you have partners, you may be faced with jealousy by your partners. For many, it's hard to believe that two heterosexual people of the opposite sex can be just friends, but it can happen. Even if you try to convince the partner that nothing is wrong, they may not believe you and still be skeptical.
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