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Is it OK to believe in soulmates?

The idea of finding your soulmate might be a balm after a bad date, or create a sense of structure and narrative to your own love story. But ultimately, actually believing that you've found your soulmate might not be a good thing – and experts say that you certainly shouldn't worry about looking for one.

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Do you really know who the “One” is? Your true Soulmate?

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Hannah Miller says she’s always believed in soulmates. She remembers being a child, hearing that seahorses have one partner forever. She loved the idea there might be just one person for her, too. When she was 10, she was introduced to Sam, a friend of her sister’s, at a group outing to a theme park. She remembers him holding her hand on the scariest rides and her sister teasing her, saying she and Sam were going to get married. “It’s a bit embarrassing, but I did fall head over heels that day,” says Miller, 45, from Birmingham, UK. “I went on the school bus on Monday and told all my friends about the older boy who held my hand.” She didn’t cross paths with the boy from the theme park again until she was 18, but once she did, things moved quickly. Weeks later, Sam told Hannah that he was falling in love with her, and the two were married just before her 20th birthday. “Commitment felt like it came easily – this was it, we were meant to be together, so why wait,” she says. “We knew that there was no reason not to get married, because we were soulmates.” An astonishing number of people believe in soulmates, according to one 2021 survey; the idea of ‘The One’ carries across many other cultures, too. There are many reasons why people are hopeful that their perfect person is out there, and during the last 50 years, the idea has only increased in popularity. Experts believe that whether or not we believe in soulmates is deeply rooted in our personal circumstances and psychology – but it’s possible that those hoping to find a pre-destined partner might be dooming their relationships from the start.

A brief history of soulmates

The Greek philosopher Plato wrote that humans once had four arms, four legs and two faces. He explained that Zeus split us in half as a punishment for our pride, and we were destined to walk the Earth searching for our other half. Our understanding of love and relationships might have evolved since 385 BCE, when Plato penned Symposium, but the idea of having an ‘other half’ still endures for many, and has lasted across numerous cultures throughout history. Some Hindu traditions hold the idea that people have a karmic connection with certain souls; in Yiddish, there is a term for an ideal or predestined marriage partner – your ‘bashert’ – which loosely translates to destiny. Thirteenth-century Persian poet and Islamic scholar Rumi posed the idea that lovers do not finally meet, but that they are somehow in each other all along. And from Romeo and Juliet to Heathcliff and Cathy, Western literature is replete with examples of lovers who were meant to be together.

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If that doesn't work, Steve suggests appealing to the "three Ps"—profess, provide and protect. "If you don't say to your man: 'Okay, look, next time she calls, do not leave us in the middle of the night. We're unprotected,'" he says. "Every man has it in his DNA to do these things when we love you.

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If you're married to a mama's boy, is there anything a wife can do to become the number one woman in his life?

Before Jill married her husband of 13 years, she says she knew he was a mama's boy. Over the years, she's grown tired of coming in second.Steve says the first mistake women like Jill make is thinking they can change their men. "You think if you give him enough cookie, bake it just right, he'll straighten up," he says. "That's not what happens with a mama's boy."Men stay in this adolescent mind-set because their mothers set standards when they were boys and upheld those standards throughout their lives, Steve says. Wives must enter into their marriages with their own set of rules to stand a chance. "You have to start saying: 'Hey, look, you have to respect me. You have to be here to show your son how a man treats a woman. You have to be here to show your daughter how a man should treat her,'" he says. "'You can't do it if you're playing me second to your mama.'"If that doesn't work, Steve suggests appealing to the "three Ps"—profess, provide and protect. "If you don't say to your man: 'Okay, look, next time she calls, do not leave us in the middle of the night. We're unprotected,'" he says. "Every man has it in his DNA to do these things when we love you. When you call on it and require it, we rise to the occasion."

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