Soulmate Gem
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How do you tell if a man isn't physically attracted to you?

Signs your boyfriend doesn't want you sexually He stops initiating sex and/or any kind of physical intimacy with you, like kissing, touching, or hugging. When you try initiate sex or start touching him, he turns away, takes your hand off, or otherwise deflects your advances. More items... •

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Possible reasons why your partner doesn’t want sex

Stress

Losing his libido could be a sign that he has too much on his plate. Whether it’s his job, family stress, the ongoing stress of a global pandemic, the cost of living, childcare, a bereavement, caring for a relative, financial stress, or numerous other life stressors. Stress is one of the biggest factors in causing decreased libido² and desire for sex for people of all genders.

Body image

Men are also exposed to impossible beauty standards from the media and diet culture, and they can develop body image issues and anxiety around how they look too. Especially if he has recently gained or lost weight, had surgery, had an injury, or something else that has caused his physical appearance to change. Body image and weight have been shown to be linked to low self esteem and sexual confidence³.

Mental health

Losing his sex drive could be an early sign of depression, anxiety⁴, a relapse, or that his mental health is generally not in a good place at the moment.

Medication

Certain forms of medication have consistently been shown to negatively affect libido, such as many forms of antidepressants such as SSRIs⁵, anti-histamines, and certain heart medications like beta blockers and medication for blood pressure⁶. This may be unwelcome news if his mental health has also been a cause for his loss of sex drive⁷, but there is a lot you can do about it, so your sex life is not lost!

Health issues

Whether it’s a chronic condition, a health scare, a recent diagnosis that has required hospitalisation and/or endless testing and trips to see different doctors, physical illness is incredibly stressful and depleting that could be impacting his desire for sex. Recently, a few studies have shown a link between having had Covid-19 and erectile dysfunction (ED)⁷ — whereby men who have had Covid-19 are 20% more likely to have ED — along with the ongoing stress of the pandemic which has also had an impact on erections and libido. It could also be a signal of his overall health or an early warning of something that is wrong. It could also be simple as low testosterone⁸, so he may want to get his testosterone levels checked to see if that is an issue.

Contraception – yep, really!

Even though you are the one using contraception and dealing with any unpleasant side-effects, your boyfriend could also be affected. If you are having symptoms from the form of hormonal contraception you are taking— like severe mood swings, depression, weight gain, fluid retention, acne, vaginal dryness, or a loss of sex drive yourself — your boyfriend may also be struggling. If he deeply cares about you, it will be very difficult for him to see you suffering, along with the stress it is putting on your relationship. It could also potentially be that he can feel the strings of your IUD or IUS during sex, which could be uncomfortable or even off putting for him.

He’s sexually bored

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Maybe the sex and intimacy you are having isn’t satisfying him anymore? Yes, it happens to men too! It is completely normal that your sexual desire for each other will taper off when you’re in a long term relationship or marriage. This is partly down to the change in brain chemicals as you come off the rush of dopamine and oxytocin which can be called, “The honeymoon period”, and settle into familiarity. It can also be getting stuck in a sexual routine, the stresses that come with living together and/or raising children, or simply that he has different erotic needs that are not being fulfilled. Or if he is somebody who previously has gotten bored in relationships and struggled to stay in a committed relationship, it could be down to his attachment style¹⁰.

He is on the asexuality spectrum

Asexuals and Demisexuals experience desire differently, and for many, the idea of penetrative sex is not appealing at all. Asexuality is a sexual orientation¹¹ and is not something to try and “fix” or “heal”.

Unrealistic expectations from watching porn

Porn usage is a controversial topic, and you may have strong feelings about it yourself, especially if you’re worrying that your boyfriend is preferring to watch porn and masturbate rather than have sex with you. This is tricky territory, as porn is not inherently bad, and it can be used as a tool for self-exploration and healing shame. Your partner masturbating is no reflection on how he feels about you, and this recent study has demonstrated that those who watch adult movies tend to be more desiring of their partners than those who don’t¹². However, we can all agree that porn is not a substitute for sex education. If primary experiences of sex and sexual expression are through watching porn, it can cause real problems in the bedroom when you are with a real life partner.

Issues in your relationship

If you are having ongoing issues in your relationship, like arguing more, trust issues, you can’t agree on some really fundamental issues, there is interference from people outside your relationship, or you have completely different communication styles or preferences, this could be affecting your boyfriend’s desire for sex. Obviously, if you are having sexual problems, that will also create relationship problems!

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