Soulmate Gem
Soulmate Gem
Photo: Elina Fairytale
However, you may be surprised to learn that while research hasn't found support for the notion that we're attracted to our parents, there is a growing body of work suggesting that our parents do shape who we're attracted to, including a new study just published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.
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Read More »A lot of Freud’s ideas about sex are uncomfortable, to say the least, but perhaps none more so than his claim that we secretly harbor sexual desire for our parents—something he termed the Oedipus Complex in boys and the Electra Complex in girls. Modern-day psychologists and psychiatrists have, thankfully, distanced themselves from this idea. However, you may be surprised to learn that while research hasn’t found support for the notion that we’re attracted to our parents, there is a growing body of work suggesting that our parents do shape who we’re attracted to, including a new study just published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior. In this study, 769 heterosexual women and 149 gay men from the Czech Republic viewed silhouettes of nude men who varied in body type. They were asked to select the image that most closely resembled their current or most recent partner, their ideal partner, and their father (as they remembered him in childhood). There turned out to be a small, but statistically significant association between the body shape of participants’ fathers and their ideal partners. Specifically, for straight women, regardless of whether their father was heavy-set, lean, or muscular, they tended to envision their ideal partner as having a similar body type. This finding was most pronounced among women who reported having a positive relationship with their dad growing up. Among gay men, the effect was more limited: Only those with skinny fathers showed a preference for leanness in their ideal partners. This means that having a muscular or heavy-set father was not linked to a preference for those traits among gay men. Further, unlike heterosexual women, the quality of the relationship with one’s father didn’t seem to matter for gay guys. This study is just one of many to emerge in recent years reporting a link between the physical traits of our early caregivers and the traits we prefer in our romantic partners. For example, in a 2013 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, scientists found that participants who were born to older parents (mothers and/or fathers) tended to be attracted to older persons in adulthood. It doesn’t stop there. There are numerous other documented similarities between the characteristics of people’s parents (usually those of the opposite sex, given that most studies have focused on heterosexual people) and their actual or ideal partners, including height, hair and eye color, and amount of body hair.
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Read More »However, when you consider that there are lots of constraints placed on us in terms of our ability to select partners in the real world (maybe the person we desire doesn’t want us, or maybe we just don’t have a lot of options), inconsistent and weak effects are to be expected. In addition, some studies find that the associations depend upon the quality of the relationship you have with your parents and, as mentioned above, relationship quality might matter more when it comes to heterosexual people's preferences—perhaps because gays and lesbians are less likely to be accepted by their parents. This adds a whole other level of complexity to the equation. Plus, attraction isn’t only about the way someone looks, either. For example, psychological traits like intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are really big factors when it comes to what we’re looking for in a romantic partner. So while there does seem to be something to this idea that we’re attracted to people who resemble our parents on some level, it’s far from a foregone conclusion that you’re going to end up with a partner who looks like your mom or dad. Justin Lehmiller is the director of the social psychology program at Ball State University, a faculty affiliate of The Kinsey Institute, and author of the blog Sex and Psychology. Follow him on Twitter @JustinLehmiller.
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