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Do you ever fully recover from grief?

When you lose someone close to you, that grief never fully goes away—but you do learn to cope with it over time. Several effective coping techniques include talking with loved ones about your pain, remembering all of the good in your life, engaging in your favorite activities, and consulting with a grief counselor.

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Nothing prepares us for the devastating loss of a loved one – whether it was clear that their time was coming to an end or it was a complete shock. The grief that comes with the death of a friend or family member is overwhelming. And it doesn’t go away quickly. Months, even years following, we’re left begging, “Will my grief ever go away? Will I ever get over this loss? When will I move on?” Nobody has all of the answers during a difficult time like this, but Kriss Kevorkian, PhD, MSW, is here to answer some of the tough questions that are wreaking havoc on your mind. We hope her answers provide some comfort.

Will My Grief Ever Go Away?

The first question is, “Will my grief ever go away?” The short answer is no. But, as Kevorkian explains, you will begin to heal over time, which will make your grief more bearable. “It will lessen as we learn to cope with it,” she insists. “People often say that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal them, but it gives us the opportunity to learn from them. Either we can learn from these lessons or ignore them and be challenged again and again until we do learn them. Grief teaches us to appreciate what we have and not to take it for granted.” When a loved one passes, your natural reaction isn’t, “Hey, it’s okay, this is a learning experience.” Instead, it’s instinctual to feel upset, angry, confused, hurt, hopeless. It often takes a little bit of time to accept this upsetting experience as one to learn from and that’s alright. Until then, you can implement a few strategies to start coping with the loss and moving forward from here: Share your loss and pain with those close to you. Do you have a close friend or family member you feel comfortable opening up to? Talking about your loss and your feelings associated with it will help you address your feelings rather than avoid them. Think about all that you still have; think about all of the good in your life. You are without a doubt in a terribly unfortunate and painful situation, but that doesn’t mean your whole life is bad. Try to remind yourself of all the good that remains and seek comfort in it. Spend time doing some of your favorite things. It might be hard to return to some of your favorite activities at first, but it’s important you continue to spend your time doing what you love: whether that’s running, dancing, painting, knitting, reading, or simply chatting with your friends. Consider meeting with a grief counselor. Grief counselors can help you process your loss and make peace with it so that you can eventually move forward with your life.

Will I Ever Get Over This Loss?

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Let’s start answering the question, “Will I ever get over this loss?” by rephrasing it: Will you ever stop missing your loved one? Will you ever stop wishing that they were still here? The answer is no. You’ll never completely get over the loss of a loved one because, well, you loved them. The fact that the loss is so difficult to accept is proof of this love. Kevorkian further highlights the forever impact of a devastating loss: “People often tell others who are grieving to get over it, but why? Would you get over the loss of someone who has meant the world to you? Why would you even consider such a thing? Kids are often told by their peers to get over it when a loved one dies saying something like, ‘So, your grandma died. She was old! Get over it!’ We never know the relationship this kid had with his/her grandma. They could’ve been super close, so of course, they’re not going to get over it.” That being said, the painful feelings you’re experiencing will lessen as you begin to process your loss. And the key to helping this process along is really allowing yourself to feel those emotions. I know it isn’t fun to feel upset or angry, and you’d rather avoid it. But avoidance will only suppress your emotions and make the grieving process harder on yourself. So, do yourself a favor and accept the fact that you’re going through something horrible—but know that you will get through it.

When Will I Move On?

And finally, “When will I move on?” In other words, when will the pain end? When will you be able to get back to your normal self? As we just discussed, when you lose a loved one you care so immensely about, you just aren’t the same person anymore. You’ve been impacted in a way that will forever change you—but that’s not to say you’re forever changed in a negative way. As Kevorkian explains, there are so many life lessons to learn from loss: one being just how beautiful love is… let alone, life. “It will get better when you begin to find meaning in the loss and appreciate the relationship you had no matter how long it lasted. When you think about it, life is pretty amazing that we can find someone or something that means so much to us that when that person or thing is no longer here, we feel pain and sorrow because of it,” she explains. “Can you imagine going through life never knowing such tremendous love that would later cause profound grief? We’d live an emotionless life.”

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