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Do both people feel chemistry?

Chemistry is made up of subtle behaviors and dispositions that mesh with behaviors and dispositions of the other person. What's created is a kind of closed karmic loop in which chemistry is felt by both parties equally.

markmanson.net - Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships - Mark Manson

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Compatibility VS Chemistry

The terms compatibility and chemistry are often used interchangeably, but they’re not the same thing. A lot of people use the words loosely to try to define that thing which exists in the space between two people—the unspeakable and unseen connection (or lack thereof). But they’re not the same thing at all, and understanding the difference is crucial if you want a happy, healthy, and long-term relationship.

What Is Compatibility?

Compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people. A youth minister and a drug dealer are probably incompatible and I doubt many end up dating each other. If I value women who are intelligent and educated and I meet a high school dropout who is attracted to guys who have big muscles and like to hunt deer, then we have a fundamental incompatibility that will probably never be overcome and we will never date one another. At least, not for long. Compatibility is about the long-term potential of two people. High compatibility comes from similarities in lifestyles and values. Generally speaking, educated liberal people usually date other educated and liberal people. Hedonists usually date other hedonists. Insane religious nuts usually date other insane religious nuts.2

Areas of Compatibility Life priorities – Where does each of you see yourself in the next five years? Is it climbing the corporate ladder or living out your days on a tropical beach? Does one want to have a kid and settle down while the other wants a carefree life?

Preferences – Are there activities you both enjoy? Is one of you comfortable living in a dumpster while the other is a clean freak? Does one turn up to dates on time while the other is perennially two hours late?

Fundamental beliefs – Is one of you a career scientist while the other bounces from one conspiracy theory to another?

Values – Our values are the origin from which most (if not all) of the above flow. If your values are not aligned with your significant other’s, then I have bad news for you.

Favorite flavor of burrito – It all comes back to burritos. Always.

What Is Chemistry?

Chemistry, on the other hand, represents the emotional connection present when two people are together. When there is a high degree of chemistry, that strong connection can bring out warm, fuzzy emotions in each other, creating a kind of positive feedback loop through which two people continue to make each other feel better and better. When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they monopolize your thoughts and/or your free time. You’ll stay awake talking till the sun comes up and not even feel like an hour went by. You’ll hope that every call or text is him/her. You’ll walk through life constantly wondering, “What would he/she think about x?” where x is a song, a bird, a walk through the park, a traffic jam, or a colonoscopy.

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Call it passion; call it love; call it sickness. The basic traits of your/their personality and your/their slightest behaviors ravage each others’ dopamine receptors in a neurological orgy of starry-eyed dreaminess.

Areas of Chemistry The way your partner laughs at your jokes

The questions they ask you about your day

The way you hold each other in bed

How they help you decorate your new apartment

The way they smell 3

How they always ask you for a bite of your burrito and when you say no they take a bite anyways but look so damn cute while doing it you can never bring yourself to feel mad—this is the definition of true love, by the way. Chemistry is made up of subtle behaviors and dispositions that mesh with behaviors and dispositions of the other person. What’s created is a kind of closed karmic loop in which chemistry is felt by both parties equally. The most important rule about chemistry is that whatever you’re feeling, he or she is most likely feeling the same way. You almost become empaths with one another. The artist Alex Grey once said, “True love is when two people have pathologies that complement one another.” He was only half-joking. High levels of chemistry usually come from opposite yet complementary qualities in people. A woman who is highly-strung, energetic, and slightly neurotic will tend to have a high degree of chemistry with a guy who is relaxed, mellow, and open. Introverts often have natural chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and intense planners sometimes work best with people who are spontaneous and unorganized. Unlike a lack of compatibility, a lack of chemistry doesn’t repel—it simply results in a lack of emotional intensity. Things just feel kind of dead and boring. Chemistry is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high degree of chemistry will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to cosmically splatter itself on the walls of your consciousness. Good times.

markmanson.net - Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships - Mark Manson

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