Soulmate Gem
Soulmate Gem
Photo: RODNAE Productions
“Kids even 4 years old can have crushes on each other,” says Radcliffe. “It's just a natural development. First you love your mother and then you can love other people, even when you're a real little kid,” she says.
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Read More »The exchange of Valentine’s Day cards among children is meant to be sweet and amicable, but the cute heart-shaped cards may become a source of concern if your child reveals they have more than friendly feelings for a classmate. While first loves typically occur in the teen years, chances are your youngster’s first crush will occur well before then and Toronto psychologist Sarah Radcliffe, author of Raising Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice says the way you react will shape how they interact with you about future relationships. “Kids even 4 years old can have crushes on each other,” says Radcliffe. “It’s just a natural development. First you love your mother and then you can love other people, even when you’re a real little kid,” she says. Tracy Bonello was surprised when she realized her 3 1/2-year-old son, Owen, was displaying fond feelings for a girl in his preschool class. “They went on a trip to the pumpkin farm and sat on the bus together. They were partners at the farm and held hands,” she says. Although Bonello couldn’t believe her son was displaying these emotions at such a young age, she has enjoyed watching his crush develop. Now 7, he still has a crush on the same girl. “At one of my son’s birthday parties he held out his hand to guide her across a scary bridge because she was reluctant to cross and when she was leaving his birthday party they hugged goodbye,” she says. “Even little kids . . . want to hug and want to touch the person they have feelings for,” says Radcliffe. While a young child’s understanding of physical affection may differ from that of an adult, Radcliffe says the way we crush is the same at 4 years old as it is when we’re 40. While Bonello says she finds her son’s young crush cute and harmless, she wants to make sure he feels comfortable sharing his feelings with her. “I think it’s important to keep all lines of communication open as your children get older, especially if they have a crush. We need to guide them through their feelings and make sure they’re making healthy choices for themselves,” she says. Radcliffe says connecting with your child is important to ensure they will feel comfortable approaching you when they’re older and have more serious relationship issues. Rather than prod with questions, Radcliffe recommends acknowledging your child’s feelings by saying “wow, it sounds like you really like this person.” This, in the end will be a more effective way to open the doors of communication than trying to talk your child out of their crush by diminishing their feelings or saying they’ll outgrow it. “There’s no reason to put a damper on having positive feelings for someone,” says Radcliffe. Marcia Walker has had some concerns with her 10-year-old daughter Izzy’s crush and agrees that open communication is important to stem any harmful behaviour. “The whole day rises and falls on whether this boy was there, if he notices her, and what their interaction is,” she says. While she has focused on teaching her daughter the importance of not hanging her self-esteem on the actions of others, she hasn’t discouraged her crush. “I remember what it’s like to have a crush like that,” she says. Plus, Izzy’s crush has had some unexpected benefits. “It makes mornings a little easier because she actually wants to go to school,” she laughs.
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