Some people might say it's when you start having sex. Others may say it's when you start dating exclusively. Still, other people may say it's when you sit down and have a defined relationship (DTR) talk. Don't Do It Before You're Ready.
Dating can be exciting - especially the first few dates. There is the thrill of a good first date, the text messages that begin to trickle in, showing each other your favorite places to eat, maybe going to a movie together. Whatever you end up doing together, it's light and fun.
During the dating phase, you may be seeing a few people trying out the waters to see if anything clicks. If someone special comes along, you may want to forgo dating other people in favor of spending more time with this person. In this situation, you may start asking yourself, "Are we dating? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Will he make me his girlfriend?"
It can be hard to tell exactly when you become boyfriend and girlfriend. Becoming a couple is a blurry line; there's no hard and fast rule. Some people might say it's when you start having sex. Others may say it's when you start dating exclusively. Still, other people may say it's when you sit down and have a defined relationship (DTR) talk.
Wondering How To Become Official With The Person You're Dating? Let's Talk - Chat With a Licensed Relationship Counselor Online.
Before you enter into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, you need to take some time and think about what you're getting ready to do. Are you ready for a commitment to one person? Do you want this person to become a long-term thing? What about their expectations? Are you ready to compromise aspects of your single life?
Questions like these can help you determine if you are ready for a more serious relationship than casual dating. Remember: this decision may or may not be covered by the 3 date rule. But then again, the other person may have a different definition of a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. So, what do you do? How are you supposed to figure out when you become a couple?
How do you know when you and the other person are ready to become boyfriend and girlfriend? While there are things to consider, there aren't any rules to tell you exactly when you are ready. The best way to figure out if you are ready is through open and honest communication. Having a conversation about what you want out of the relationship is the best way to determine if you are ready to become an official couple.
There are a few things you want to bring up in the conversation. These things can affect what shape the relationship takes long-term. If you don't talk about some specific things during your defining the relationship talk, you may be ill-prepared for a long-term relationship. You can't cover everything and every contingency, but you should cover a few essential things.
What You Want
The biggest thing you need to talk about is the expectations of the relationship. You need to talk about what you want from the relationship. Are you looking to get married someday? Do you want to take it slow? What you and your partner want out of the relationship may be different, and that is ok. That means one of two things can happen: you can compromise and find common ground that meets both your needs or you can part ways and decided to look for other people who are ready for a relationship that more closely aligns with your desires.
Talking about what you want from the relationship is an excellent way to see if the other person is even ready to make things official. They may be happy with a casual dating relationship, while you may be looking for something more serious. Wanting different things is ok. You two can navigate what that means for your relationship and decided how or if you want to continue. However, if you never make your wants to be known, things can stagnate and become flat. Nobody likes a flat relationship. We want a dynamic one, one that is fun and thrilling.
Be Vulnerable
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When you have a conversation about your relationship, you need to open up. Hiding what you're thinking and feeling is a sure-fire way to make you walk away from the conversation frustrated, resentful, and possibly bitter. Feelings such as these can damage your relationship. Since you will be talking about what you want out of the relationship, be prepared, be honest, and open about what you want and why you want it.
Being vulnerable can also let the other person know that it is safe for them to open up to you. When both parties are open and honest with their communication, the conversation can be much more productive and satisfying. You both can end up with the foundation of a good relationship if you take a risk and honestly tell the other person your thoughts and feelings.
Talk About The Future
As you talk about what you want out of the relationship, a future topic may come up. It's natural and healthy to be thinking of a possible future with this person with whom you want to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. You are taking the relationship from a casual dating one to a more serious relationship, and there is a reason for that. You may think that you can see yourself in a long-term relationship with this person. Perhaps you're even thinking of the possibility of marriage. Whatever it is, you are thinking of the future, and you can see this person in your future.
Even if you don't know about committing yourself to marriage with this person, you are allowed to take it one step at a time. You are going from a casual dating relationship to a serious, committed relationship. That is enough to focus on the next step without jumping ahead to marriage. Go at the pace you want in the relationship. Be honest about what you want out of the future and the pace you want to go to get there.
Think About Your Friends
A significant shift in becoming a boyfriend and girlfriend introduces the other person to your circle of friends. Your friends are outside witnesses to your relationship. Their reaction to your new significant other can be a barometer to gauge if the relationship is healthy and has a future. You don't have to listen to your friends but remember - these are the people that know you well. They care about you and want good things for you.
The way the other person gets along with your friends says a lot about the relationship's viability as a long-term one. If they get along with your friends, the relationship likely has a better chance of lasting. When your partner doesn't get along with your friends, it can signify that you may have to choose between this person and your friends at some point in the future. That is never a fun choice to make, so it's better to test the waters of meeting your friends early as you are defining the relationship so you can see how everyone gets along.
Are We Together?
No boyfriend and girlfriend quiz is going to tell you if you and the other person are a serious couple or not. The only way to determine is to sit down and have a conversation about the relationship and the relationship. Otherwise, it can stagnate and become dead in the water, so to speak, or remain nebulous and not meet your needs and wants.
It's ok to be brave and initiate the relationship conversation. Again, it's the only way to find out what the other person is thinking and if this thing between the two of you is ready to go to the next relationship stage.
Having The Conversation
So, how do you have a define-the-relationship conversation? You may be prepared to talk about topics, but initiating the conversation is another thing altogether. You don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it is, but you also don't want to pass it off like it's not at all critical. Thinking about having this conversation may cause you some anxiety. Here are some tips to help you prepare for and have the conversation.
Know What To Say
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One of the most important things to having any serious conversation is knowing what you want to say. It's ok to practice what you want to say beforehand or even write down some notes to keep you on track. Preparedness may help the conversation go smoothly and make sure that you discuss the important topics you want to get to. You can plan what significant themes you want to talk about and how you want to introduce the topic.
Don't Be Spontaneous.
Spontaneity can be a good thing in relationships; however, these conversations deserve some thought. You don't want to launch into it without having weighed all the things you want to talk about and whether you are even ready for this conversation. Don't fall into the trap of starting the conversation all of a sudden because you are frustrated. That can be a quick way to have it blow up in your face. Go into the conversation calm and prepared.
Don't Be Somber
Saying "We need to talk" is always ominous and can cause anxiety in the other person. They may begin bracing for the worst. Don't be solemn and somber about the conversation. You can say things like, "I'd like to talk about us and where we are going," or, "Would it be ok if we set up a date to talk about something that's been on my mind?" Both of these are much better options and can keep the other person at ease going into the conversation.
Don't Rush Things
It's best to have these kinds of conversations when neither of you needs to rush off to do something. You want time for the conversation, and having a short time constraint doesn't lend itself to having a productive conversation. Maybe have it over dinner and drinks, or at one of your homes. Whatever you do, make sure you have time to have an in-depth conversation.
Transitioning To Boyfriend and Girlfriend
Wondering How To Become Official With The Person You're Dating? Let's Talk - Chat With a Licensed Relationship Counselor Online.
If things go well, you may come out of a defining relationship knowing what you both want out of the future relationship. That's a great thing, but it's only the first step. Now comes the work of living into the title of boyfriend and girlfriend.
That can be tricky because even if you have talked about expectations, the practical side can get difficult to navigate, or communication can break down. Whatever the challenge, a licensed online therapist can help you as a couple navigates the waters of your newly-defined relationship. With the therapist's help, you can build a strong foundation for your long-term relationship.
Change The Relationship
Remember, once you have the define-your-relationship talk, things may change one way or another, and that's perfectly fine. Relationships are supposed to change and grow. Without change and growth, the relationship would be dead, and nobody wants that.
Be vulnerable, and be brave. If you are ready to take the relationship to the next level, prepare yourself and have an open and honest conversation with the other person. That is the only way you'll know for sure if you are boyfriend and girlfriend.
Soulmate Gem
Photo: Innoh Khumbuza
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