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At what age is it inappropriate to bathe with your child?

In general, I would say that by the age of 8 or 9 years-10 at the latest-most children have developed enough of a sense of personal boundaries and body space that they no longer want to shower with a parent or bathe with a sibling of the opposite sex. But Dr. Rosenblum's query raises broader issues.

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Q. The father of two siblings in my practice-a 7-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy-is upset by the fact that their mother (from whom he is divorced) showers with the two children together.

Benjamin Rosenblum, MD Marlton, N.J.

A. There is no simple answer to this question-no single, developmentally appropriate age. In general, I would say that by the age of 8 or 9 years-10 at the latest-most children have developed enough of a sense of personal boundaries and body space that they no longer want to shower with a parent or bathe with a sibling of the opposite sex. But Dr. Rosenblum's query raises broader issues. A parallel discussion with the mother might touch not only on the divorce but also on whether she sees the shower as a "social" activity-which may be a holdover from times when the children were younger. Of equal importance is getting a sense from the children of how they feel about showering together. Are they embarrassed? Is it a matter of course? Do they laugh about it with their friends? Most children their age cannot directly express their feelings about something they are uncomfortable with, but their responses could provide an indication of when and how the pediatrician might assist this family. I would see this situation as a time to help both parents encourage the children to further develop personal boundaries and respect for each member of the family-and for each parent to do the same. By 5 or 6 years, most children are reluctant to "report" on a parent; asking them to do so shows a lack of respect for them as individuals. The need for such respect extends to activities such as showering together. Most 7- and 8-year-olds are beginning to develop a sense of social modesty and body space. Parents need to encourage siblings to respect this in each other. It's not uncommon for a child to be uncomfortable with bathroom and shower activities in the presence of others but to be afraid to say so. Siblings at this age cannot be expected to recognize signals on their own. Even if they do, their response may be to tease or harass their brother or sister. Likewise, adults have their own boundaries and expectations for privacy-whether that means sleeping in their bed without children or believing that their actions, as long as they are not illegal or abusive, will not be subject to judgments by an ex-spouse that are then voiced to their children. Teaching these lessons when a child is 6 to 8 years old is much more effective than trying, years later, to suddenly make an adolescent see the virtues of respect and tolerance.

William Sammons, MD Framingham, Mass.

DR. SAMMONS is in private practice and takes a special interest in the children of divorce. He is coauthor, with Jenny Lewis, MD, of Don't Divorce Your Children. He is board-certified in developmental and behavioral pediatrics.

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Is the strong silent type attractive?

The image of the strong and silent type is that of somebody who is confident and comfortable in his own skin. This can be very attractive, and project an image of security and assurance.

This article was co-authored by Erin Conlon, PCC, JD . Erin Conlon is an Executive Life Coach, the Founder of Erin Conlon Coaching, and the host of the podcast "This is Not Advice." She specializes in aiding leaders and executives to thrive in their career and personal lives. In addition to her private coaching practice, she teaches and trains coaches and develops and revises training materials to be more diverse, equitable, and inclusive. She holds a BA in Communications and History and a JD from The University of Michigan. Erin is a Professional Certified Coach with The International Coaching Federation. This article has been viewed 252,862 times.

Article Summary

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Being a strong silent type is all about staying confident and using your body language to express yourself. Speak in a deep and clear voice, which shows you're confident and in control. Make short, meaningful statements when you speak so people know you mean what you say. For example, you shouldn’t feel the need to give long explanations about something you say, because you should feel confident in what you believe. While it’s great to show off your self-control and restraint, keep in mind that staying silent in some situations can make people think you’re distant or disinterested. To avoid this, use body language, like eye contact and smiling, to show you’re listening. Remember that you should still talk to other people if you’re a strong and silent type, like when you’re hanging out with friends or standing up for yourself. For tips on how to build your self-confidence so you can be strong and silent, read on!

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